Graham Arthur Chapman quotes
“- Yellowbeard: How many men have you killed so far?
- Dan: One. Two, I think.
- Yellowbeard: You think? You'll never kill anyone if you go around thinkin'.”
“Don't stand there gawping! Like you've never seen the hand o' God before!”
“She couldn't be your mother. No woman ever slept with me and lived.”
“- Brian Cohen: Lay off, I've had a hard time!
- Ben: You've had a hard time? I've been here five years, they only hung me the right way up yesterday.”
“- Harry Blackitt: Look at them, bloody Catholics, filling the bloody world up with bloody people they can't afford to bloody feed.
- Mrs. Blackitt: What are we dear?
- Harry Blackitt: Protestant, and fiercely proud of it.”
“Dying's the easy way out. You won't catch me dying. They'll have to kill me before I die!”
“- Betty: It's been awhile since we had a little cuddle.
- Yellowbeard: I raped ya, if that's what you mean.
- Betty: Okay. It was half-cuddle, half-rape.”
“- Hospital Administrator: What are you doing this morning?
- Obstetrician: It's a birth.
- Hospital Administrator: And what sort of thing is that?
- Dr. Spencer: Well, that's where we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy.
- Hospital Administrator: Wonderful what we can do nowadays.”
“- Yellowbeard: I'm sure I killed the last one I raped, it can't have been you.
- Betty: Well, the afterplay was a bit on the rough side but not fatal, dear.”
“- Brian Cohen: Why don't you go and tell him you want to be a leper again?
- Ex-Leper: I could do that sir. I could do that I suppose. What I was thinking was I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the ass to be blunt and...” (continue)(continue reading)
“- Yellowbeard: Dan, if you're my son, prove it. Kill this stupid old bugger!
- Lord Lambourn: Hold your horses...
- Dan: I can't kill him! He brought me up! Just like a father.
- Yellowbeard: Oh, you mean he's beat ya and kicked ya and smashed ya in the teeth?”
“- Betty: When little Dan was two minutes old I tattooed it on his head.
- Yellowbeard: Does he know about this?
- Betty: Oh, no no no, that's why I kept him in the cupboard for three years. That may be why he's a bit odd with all these books, and reading, and stuff like that.”
“- Dan: If you cut my head off it'll start to putrify!
- Yellowbeard: Do what?
- Dan: Putrify, go rotten!
- Yellowbeard: Yeah, it would ooze a lot, heads do. But I could live with that.”
“- Brian Cohen: I am not the Messiah!
- Arthur: I say you are Lord, and I should know. I've followed a few.”
“- Dan: He's been kind and gentle.
- Yellowbeard: What kind of a father is that? Kill him!”
“- Dan: I haven't raped her!
- Yellowbeard: No, you wouldn't have you poncy little git! You're not the prawn of my loins, your mother's a bloody liar! That's what I liked about her!”
“- Reg: If you want to join the People's Front of Judea, you have to really hate the Romans.
- Brian Cohen: I do!
- Reg: How much?
- Brian Cohen: A lot!
- Reg: Right, you're in.”
“- Triola: What's happened to Daddy?
- Yellowbeard: I killed him!
- Dan: He's gone to heaven.
- Triola: Aw, that's nice! He sent all his friends there.”
“- Dan: Father! We thought you were dead.
- Yellowbeard: Us Yellowbeards are never more dangerous than when we're dead.”