“- Santa: I think the milk's a little sour.
- Little Girl: It's soy milk.
- Santa: Huh?
- Little Girl: You said you were lactose intolerant.
- Santa: I did say that, didn't I? Thank you for remembering.”

Tim Allen - Scott Calvin
Melissa King - Little Girl

“- Walker: Cake?
- Stenz: No, I don't want cake! I'm diabetic!”
James Woods - Walker
Jason Clarke - Stenz

“- Patty Bernstein: Give me a bite of that corn dog.
- Navin: What about germs?
- Patty Bernstein: Put a rubber on it.”
Catlin Adams - Patty Bernstein
Steve Martin - Navin

“- Max Conners: Have you any idea what that meat is doing to your arteries?
- Page Conners: Haven't you heard? Cigarettes dissolve cholesterol.”
Sigourney Weaver - Max Conners
Jennifer Love Hewitt - Page Conners

“- Lincoln Hawk: You know, if you're hungry, there's a great place up here for good steak. What do you say we stop?
- Michael Cutler: Sir, you're going to be the victim of cholesterol poisoning. Later in life, you'll just start to rot away.
- Lincoln Hawk: You're just full of good humor, aren't ya Mike?”
Sylvester Stallone - Lincoln Hawk
David Mendenhall - Michael Cutler