“- Gwen Cummings: You don't honestly think I'm going to jail, do you?
- Cornell: No? For driving drunk, crashing into a house, knocking over a lawn jockey that could have been a four-year-old child?
- Gwen Cummings: Yeah, but it wasn't, it was a four-year-old lawn jockey.”
Sandra Bullock - Gwen Cummings
Steve Buscemi - Cornell

“- Deputy Brent: Let me drive.
- Sheriff Frank: No, you're drunk.
- Deputy Brent: You always get to drive.
- Sheriff Frank: That's cause I'm the sheriff, asshole.”
Jonathan Banks - Deputy Brent
Scott Brady - Sheriff Frank

“- Jeff Dunham: Bubba J., when you go to a NASCAR race and you party a lot, who is your designated driver?
- Bubba J.: What the fuck is that?
- Jeff Dunham: Do you drive drunk?
- Bubba J.: No, officer! I'm practicing.”
Jeff Dunham - Himself
Jeff Dunham - Bubba J.

“- Alec Newbary: You're being arrested for drunk driving.
- Billy Hicks: Drunk definitely, I don't know if you could call it driving.”
Ally Sheedy - Alec Newbary
Rob Lowe - Billy Hicks

“- Neal Page: He says we're going the wrong way...
- Del Griffith: Oh, he's drunk. How would he know where we're going?”

Steve Martin - Neal Page
John Candy - Del Griffith