- Happy Gilmore: I'd love to punch that guy in the face right now. But I can't, you know, because I'd get in trouble. I bet you get a lot of that on "Let's Make A Deal".
- Bob Barker: It's "The Price Is Right", Happy.
- Happy Gilmore: Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Adam Sandler - Happy Gilmore
Bob Barker - Bob Barker

“- Christina: I got a penis in my eye.
- Courtney: Let me see.
- Christina: How is it? Is it okay?
- Courtney: Yeah, it's okay, but I think you're pregnant.”
Cameron Diaz - Christina Walters
Christina Applegate - Courtney Rockcliffe

“- Christina: How are you stuck?
- Andy: I have a piercing [the entire crowd recoils in shock] ...
- San Francisco Policeman: I don't get it, how are they stuck?
- Male bystander: Behind her tonsils ...
- San Francisco Policeman: How do you know that?
[Awkward silence]”

Cameron Diaz - Christina Walters
Frank Grillo - Andy
Rick Evans - San Francisco Policeman #2

“- Coach Ken Carter: I end up taking a road trip to the suburbs where I find my drunk-ass point guard on top of Daddy's little princess.
- Worm: Actually, I was on the bottom, coach, she was on the top.”
Samuel L. Jackson - Coach Ken Carter
Antwon Tanner - Worm

“- Dr. Parker: [about to give Binky Shelton a shot] Don't worry, it will only take one little prick.
- Binky Shelton: That's what got me into this trouble in the first place!”
Roy Brocksmith - Dr. Parker
Deborah Rush - Binky Shelton