“- Miles Russell: You have much more hair in your nose than my dad.
- Buck Russell: How nice of you to notice.
- Miles Russell: I'm a kid, that's my job.”
Macaulay Culkin - Miles Russell
John Candy - Buck Russell

“- Emily Walburn: Apparently he had a little accident.
- Maj. Benson Payne: Apparently he pissed all over the front of his pants.
- Emily Walburn: Well maybe that's because he's six.
- Maj. Benson Payne: Because he's six? Woman, when I was six years old I had a full time job.”
Karyn Parsons - Emily Walburn
Damon Wayans - Maj. Benson Payne

“I would kill for this job, but the people I want to kill are the people offering me the job.”
Woody Allen - Val

“- Benny: What do you want to be? Are you gonna be like a farmer or something?
- Marcus: I guess I could be a farmer.
- Benny: Yeah, I wanted to be a cop. But now that we steal so much, it's probably not a good idea.”
Carlo Alban - Benny
Brendan Sexton III - Marcus

“- Bernie: When are you gonna do something with your life?
- David: Like you? Work at a job I hate and fuck women I can't stand?
- Bernie: Fuck you, it's a life!
- David: Not the kind of life I want.”
Cameron Bancroft - Bernie
Thomas Gibson - David