“- Neil Bleene: I've been in the theatre. I'm actually a theatre director. Sometimes certain line-readings apply. Like in comedy, it is a rule. Inflections go up at the end.
- Suzanne Vale: That's a comedy rule?
- Neil Bleene: Well, not so much rule as guideline.”
Oliver Platt - Neil Bleene
Meryl Streep - Suzanne Vale

“- Manny: You are going to need a co-pilot.
- Sam Sparks: You are a pilot, too?
- Manny: Yes. I am also a particle physicist.
- Sam Sparks: Really?
- Manny: No, that was a joke. I am also a comedian.”
Benjamin Bratt - Manny
Anna Faris - Sam Sparks

“- Jack Payne: You know what they say is the first thing that a man feels when he shoots a civilian?
- Bob Lee Swagger: The recoil of the rifle?
- Jack Payne: [snickers] Yeah.
- Bob Lee Swagger: Very original.”
Elias Koteas - Jack Payne
Mark Wahlberg - Bob Lee Swagger

“- Sgt. Aguado: Homicide, Ventura. Now how you gonna solve that one?
- Ace Ventura: Good question, Aguado. First, I'd establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug's dick and became insanely jealous. Then I'd lose 30 pounds... porking his wife!
- Sgt. Aguado: Why, you..
- Ace: Come on! Now, kiss and make up.”

John Capodice - Sgt. Aguado
Jim Carrey - Ace Ventura

We got one letter from a man who thought that Hauk's comedy was "visionary and interesting”. The other eleven hundred calls say that the man can't do comedy to save his dick!… That's a direct quote, sir.
Forest Whitaker - Edward Garlick