“- Jake: [describing April to Billy] She was a fun ride, no doubt about it, but she is a previously owned vehicle and I'm into that new car smell.
- Jessica: You asshole!
- Jessica: Whoever left these towels here is an asshole.”
Eric Christian Olsen - Jake
Rob Schneider - Jessica

“We're all sort of fellow travelers in a mighty small boat, in a mighty big ocean. And the more we quarrel, criticize and misunderstand each other, the bigger the ocean gets and the smaller the boat.”
Henry Hull - Charles J. Rittenhouse

“I'm way out of your league. If your league were to explode, I wouldn't hear the sound for another three days. So for everybody's sake, let's just enjoy a companionable silence.”
Sonya Walger - Nicole Noone

“- Frank Drebin: It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.
- Jane Spencer: Goodyear?
- Frank Drebin: No, the worst.”
Leslie William Nielsen - Frank Drebin
Priscilla Presley - Jane Spencer

“- Sidney Greenstreet: So we're both feeling kind of disposable and in desperate need of consolation and would be inclined to turn a casual something into more than it was.
- Jesse Stone: On the other hand, there's nothing wrong with consolation.”
Leslie Hope - Sidney Greenstreet
Tom Selleck - Jesse Stone