You know, when you were a baby in your crib, your father looked down at you, he had but one hope: "someday, my son will grow to be a man". Well look at you now; you just got your asses whipped, by a bunch of goddamn nerds.
John Goodman - Coach Harris

“- Guard #2: She's dead.
- Hector Gomez: Hell, she isn't dead. This doctor shot her up with sodium pentothal to make this fellow think she was dead. So you wouldn't suck the blood outta her, you bastard.”

Joel Levine - Guard #2
Robert Beltran - Hector Gomez

“- Ronald Camp: I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Ace. I'll have the plumbing checked immediately.
- Ace Ventura: Be sure that you do! If I'd been drinking out of the toilet, I might've been killed!”
Udo Kerr - Ronald Camp
Jim Carrey - Ace Ventura

“- Jack Putter: How do you treat that?
- Dr. Greenbush: Well the medieval remedy was to flay the skin off your body with brands of fire. I have no idea what the current technique is.”

Martin Hayter Short - Jack Putter
William Schallert - Dr. Greenbush

“Desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Karan Ashley - Aisha Campbell