“- Lou Donnelly: Since I figure cops are cops the world over, how do you Soviets deal with all the tension and stress?
- Ivan Danko: Vodka.”
Peter Boyle - Lou Donnelly
Arnold Schwarzenegger - Ivan Danko

“- Chris Sanchez: Just because I bought you a drink doesn't mean you're getting laid tonight.
- Jim Street: So, what does two drinks mean?”
Michelle Rodriguez - Chris Sanchez
Colin Farrell - Jim Street

“- Buddy Young, Jr.: Who do you have to screw to get a vodka?
- Sidney: Me.
- Buddy Young, Jr.: Make it a ginger ale.”
Billy Crystal - Buddy Young Jr.
Richard Mehana - Sidney

“- Elvira: Bloody Mary.
- Bartender: No hard liquor served past eight o'clock. Do you want a virgin?
- Elvira: Maybe, but, ah... I'll have a couple of drinks first.”
Cassandra Peterson - Elvira
Lynne Marie Stewart - Bartender

“- Ariel: What are you going to do?
- Maxwell: I'll go for a walk. I'll throw a rock in the brook. I'll go to sleep. I'll - don't worry, I'm not a drunken infantile idiot - I'll - I'll go back to my bedroom and I'll get anesthetized with meaningless lovemaking.”
Mia Farrow - Ariel
Tony Roberts - Maxwell