“Elvira, Mistress of the Dark” quotes

Movie Elvira, Mistress of the Dark
Title Elvira, Mistress of the Dark
Original title Elvira: Mistress of the Dark
Year 1988
Director James Signorelli
Genre Comedy, Horror
Interpreted by
Plot – When Elvira - a flashy advertising actress - learns she's been appointed her aunt Morgana's heir, she takes possession of an old house in the suburb, a dog and a dusty cookbook. Vincent - Morgana's brother - wants that book at all costs as among the recipes there are some magic words that can make him the master of darkness. He persecutes the girl, even if she reveals to be a witch. Meanwhile Vincent captures Bob, an Elvira's friend, and accuses his niece of witchcraft. The inhabitants of the town send Elvira to the stake. Somehow, Bob frees himself and the girl who, thanks to a maternal ring on her finger, defeats Vincent with deadly rays. Now Elvira inherits his uncle's money too and leaves with Bob for Las Vegas.
All actors – Phil Rubenstein, Larry Flash Jenkins, Cassandra Peterson, Damita Jo Freeman, Tress MacNeille, Edwina Moore, Mario Celario, Lee McLaughlin, Bill Swearingen, Charles Woolf, Bill Dance, William Cort
show all
  • “- Elvira: What is there to do for fun around here?
    - Robin Meeker: This town isn't big on fun. But there is one place! The bowling alley. It gets pretty wild on league night.”

    Cassandra Peterson - Elvira
    Ellen Dunning - Robin Meeker
  • “If they ever ask about me, tell them I was more than just a great set of boobs. I was also an incredible pair of legs. And tell them... tell them that I never turned down a friend. I... never turned down a stranger for that matter.”

    Cassandra Peterson - Elvira
    [Tag:body, helping]
  • “If you don't cough up the money, you're through. The only showroom you'll be seeing will have Toyotas in it.”

    Charles Woolf - Manny
    [Tag:job, money]
  • “- Earl Hooter: Sounds like your looking to get yourself fired, little lady.
    - Elvira: Yeah, go ahead and fire me. I need this job like a leper needs a three-way mirror!”

    Lee McLaughlin - Earl Hooter
    Cassandra Peterson - Elvira
    [Tag:job, need]
  • “- Elvira: Bloody Mary.
    - Bartender: No hard liquor served past eight o'clock. Do you want a virgin?
    - Elvira: Maybe, but, ah... I'll have a couple of drinks first.”

    Cassandra Peterson - Elvira
    Lynne Marie Stewart - Bartender
    [Tag:drinking, sex]
  • “I think what Calvin is trying to say is that this Elvira is a person of easy virtue, a purveyor of pulchritude, a one-woman Sodom and Gomorrah, if you will. A slimy, slithering succubus, a concubine, a street walker, a tramp, a slut, a cheap whore!”
    Edie McClurg - Chastity Pariah
    [Tag:sin, slander]
  • “I've never been so humiliated in my life! Just wait until I get my hands on that Patty. I'm going to rip out every single bleach blonde hair out of her scalp, gouge out her eyeballs, then use her head for a bowling ball!”

    Cassandra Peterson - Elvira
  • “If she's morally unfit, then we have every right to do anything we can to get her out of this town.”

    Edie McClurg - Chastity Pariah
  • “- Chastity Pariah: Listen, young lady. I don't know who your are or where you came from, but you most certainly don't fit in this town. Why, you don't even fit in that dress.
    - Elvira: Listen, sister. If I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.”

    Edie McClurg - Chastity Pariah
    Cassandra Peterson - Elvira
  • “Trash does not compete with class.”

    Susan Kellermann - Patty
    [Tag:class, prejudice]
  • - Patty: Seems to me it's all this cheap little tart's fault.
    - Elvira: Cheap? Who are you callin' cheap? What's that perfume you're wearing, "Catch of the Day"?
    - Patty: Look, honey. I don't know which hole you crawl out of, but I suggest you crawl right back in if you know what's good for you.

    Susan Kellermann - Patty
    Cassandra Peterson - Elvira
    [Tag:insult, rejection]
  • “- Vincent Talbot: I must apologize for my behavior in the office, it's just that your appearance was a bit of a shock to me.
    - Elvira: It's okay. My appearance is kind of a shock to everybody.”

    William Morgan Sheppard - Vincent Talbot
    Cassandra Peterson - Elvira
  • - Bob Redding: I run the movie house.
    - Elvira: Oh, really? I'm in movies too! Have you ever shown, uh, "I Married Satan"?
    - Bob Redding: No...
    - Elvira: How about the sequel, "I Married Satan 2"?
    - Bob Redding: I, ah... I can only play G-rated movies.
    - Elvira: Oh well, there's nothing wrong with G-rated movies, as long as there's lots of sex... (continue)
    (continue reading)
    Daniel Greene - Bob Redding
    Cassandra Peterson - Elvira
    [Tag:movie, sex, violence]
  • “- Earl Hooter: The name's Earl, but the ladies back home call me Longhorn, maybe you can guess why.
    - Elvira: Gee, I don't know, does it have anything to do with your breath?”

    Lee McLaughlin - Earl Hooter
    Cassandra Peterson - Elvira