“- Chester Greenburg: How wasted were we last night?
- Jesse Montgomery III: Well, I touched Christy Boner's hoo-hoo, were on the hook for two hundred thousand dollars to a transsexual stripper, and my car's gone. I'd say we were pretty wasted.”
Seann William Scott - Chester Greenburg
Ashton Kutcher - Jesse Montgomery III

“Juries can sometimes be very stupid, and it's just as well not to worry them with more evidence than they can conveniently deal with.”
James Stephenson - Howard Joyce

“- Prosecutore John Felder: Mr. Lincoln should know that the mere fact that a prospective juror knows counsel for the state does not disqualify him.
- Abraham Lincoln: I know that, John. What I'm afraid of is that some of the jurors might not know you... and that'd put me at a great disadvantage.”

Donald Meek - Prosecutor John Felder
Henry Fonda - Abraham Lincoln

“You don't have to be a horse to judge a horse show.”

Elizabeth Patterson - Aunt Emma

“It's my duty to inform you that the larceny of an equine is a capital offense punishable by death, but you can rest assured that in this court, a horse thief always gets a fair trial before he's hung.”

Walter Brennan - Judge Roy Bean