“- Margaret Wade: You know why men are so lousy when it comes to taking care of babies?
- Dennis Mitchell: They have better things to do.
- Margaret Wade: Like what? Play golf and drink beer?
- Dennis Mitchell: No, like hunting, having wars, driving cars, shaving, cleaning fish.”
Amy Sakasitz - Margaret Wade
Mason Gamble - Dennis Mitchell

“- Sly: What's the one thing grown-ups fear most about us babies?
- Duby: Dirty diapers!
- Sly: You're wrong!
- Duby: Well, they make those stupid faces when they change our diapers!
- Sly: It's our intelligence, everyone, our intelligence.”
Leo Fitzgerald - Sly
Zachary Handy - Duby

“- Jeff Blue: I was walking at 8 months.
- Jane Blue: You were walking at a year and a half. Your mother was ready to call in specialists.”
Dennis Quaid - Jeff Blue
Kathleen Turner - Jane Blue

“- God: Stinking motherfucking bitch.
- Jeff Cole: What's up with the little man?
- God: Smells like he messed up his diaper.”
LL Cool J - God
Omar Epps - Jeff Cole

“- Peter Mitchell: All we have to do is feed it, it'll shut up.
- Michael Kellam: I don't know what babies eat.
- Peter Mitchell: Soft stuff. We were babies once, for Christ's sakes, what did we eat?
- Michael Kellam: I don't know, but it couldn't have been very good, I can't remember!”
Tom Selleck - Peter Mitchell
Steve Guttenberg - Michael Kellam