“I am not what you would call a handsome man. The good Lord chose not to bless me with... with charm, athletic ability... or a fully functional brain.”
Clint Howard - Paco

“I thought a great place to meet girls would be where they teach English as a second language. These girls would be from foreign lands and a little disoriented and I would look attractive because I speak English. But in the end it did not work out as I had hoped: I was told to take a hike in fourteen languages.”
Steve Schirripa - Vinnie

“Everyone in the city is having sex at the exact same time except for us.”

John Cusack - Jake

“You say I'm not human, but on the contrary, I understand your pain all too well. A long time ago, I lost the woman I love, and that was, in fact, the cause of my present misfortune.”

Seth MacFarlane - Johann Krauss

“- Max Conners: Turning down a wedding gift is bad luck.
- Jack Withrowe: I've never heard that before.
- Max Conners: Sure, everything to do with weddings is bad luck.”
Sigourney Weaver - Max Conners
Jason Lee - Jack Withrowe