“- Brennan Huff: You know what? I still hate you, but you got a pretty awesome collection of nudie mags.
- Dale Doback: Yeah, I got 'em from the 70's, 80's and 90's. It's like masturbating in a time machine.”
Will Ferrell - Brennan Huff
John C. Reilly - Dale Doback

“- Leah: Would you like to share something personal with the crew? Robert... Uh... Ro-berta.
- Roberta: Personal?
- Leah: Mm.
- Roberta: Well, uh, my name is Roberta, and... I'm addicted to porn and I masturbate constantly.”

Melissa Sagemiller - Leah
Harland Williams - Doofer

“- Carl: Maybe you shouldn't get married anymore.
- John Henderson: I want kids.
- Carl: Well, adopt.
- John Henderson: I want to pass down my seed.
- Carl: Masturbate in the garden.”
John C. McGinley - Carl
Albert Brooks - John Henderson

“Madame, if you continue masturbating my driver, you are going to be a murderer.”

Howard Hesseman - McBride

“- Hannah: Could you have ruined yourself somehow?
- Mickey: How could I ruin myself?
- Hannah: I don't know. Excessive masturbation?
- Mickey: You gonna start knocking my hobbies?”

Mia Farrow - Hannah
Woody Allen - Mickey