“Listen. I don't care what you say. Chlamydia is a soup. It's my opinion. I can have that if I'd like. You don't have to argue. I've seen it on the grocery store shelf. Don't argue with me about it. I don't care if you are a doctor.”
Tim meadows - Leon Phelps

“- Sam: [holding a pill] Dewey, get out of here. You don't want no part of this shit.
- Dewey Cox: What is it?
- Sam: It's medication for erectile dysfunction, it gives you a boner! Not to be used if you have a pre-existing heart condition. If boners last more than four hours, call more ladies.”

Tim Meadows - Sam
John C. Reilly - Dewey Cox

“- Jack: Are you still seeing that shrink?
- Miles: I saw him on Monday. I spent most of the time helping him with his computer.
- Jack: Well, I say, fuck therapy. And what is that stuff you take... Xanax?
- Miles: And Lexapro, yes.
- Jack: Well, I say, fuck that too. You need to get your joint worked on, Miles.”
Thomas Haden Church - Jack
Paul Giamatti - Miles

“Oh, boy. Well, some of my patients prefer walking, some prefer bicycling. But for best results, to guarantee satisfaction, most of them like fucking. You know, poonta-poonta-poonta. I like it myself, you know. One in the morning, and late at night.”

Richard Pryor - Wally

“- Pepi Katona: I would say it's a nervous breakdown. What do you think?
- Doctor: It appears to be an acute epileptoid manifestation and a pan phobic melancholiac with indication of a neurasthenia cordus.
- Pepi Katona: Is that more expensive than a nervous breakdown?”

William Tracy - Pepi Katona
Edwin Maxwell - Doctor