“American Pie” quotes

Movie American Pie
Paul Weitz, Chris Weitz directed this movie in 1999
Title American Pie
Year 1999
Directors Paul Weitz, Chris Weitz
Genre Comedy, Romance
Plot – Jim, Oz, Kevin and Paul are four high school students in Michigan. All quite clumsy, they go to many student parties without ever being able to get what they want. One day, they make a bet: they must loose their virginity by the end of their senior year, which is in three weeks' time. Unfortunately, it is not an easy challenge. Opportunities are not lacking but, at the last moment, awkwardness prevails. Jim tries to use Internet but the new technologies are not helpful. Even the behavior of girls they are dating is not clear, so misunderstandings abound. When it seems that some couples have been able to accomplish their goal, everything is questioned again during Prom night. However, there are no losers nor winners. The next morning, the four friends get together for a toast to the past and the future.
All actors – Jason Biggs, Chris Klein, Thomas Ian Nicholas, Alyson Hannigan, Shannon Elizabeth, Tara Reid, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Seann William Scott, Eugene Levy, Natasha Lyonne, Mena Suvari, Jennifer Coolidge, Chris Owen, Eric Lively, Molly Cheek, Lawrence Pressman, Clyde Kusatsu, Christina Milian, Woody Schultz, Casey Erklin, Annika Hays, Eden Riegel, Justin Isfeld, John Cho, Veronica Lauren, Monica McSwain, Fletcher Sheridan, Robyn Roth, Jamar Cargo, Akuyoe Graham, Katie Lansdale, Jay Rossi, Linda Gehringer, Ashton Dane, Sasha Barrese, Eli Marienthal, Travis Cody Aimer, Mark Hoppus, Thomas DeLonge, Daniel Spink, James DeBello, Amber Phillips, Clementine Ford, Hilary Angelo, Jasmine Stocken, Jillian Bach, David Kuhn, Dan Coronel, Pete Pallad, J.D. Doyle, Lito Coronel, Markus Botnick, Robby Murakami, Addison Krantz, Alex Nies, Roger Sewell, Donald J. Collins, Ryan Bates, Joe Park, Walter Toole, Travis Petraglia, Richard Schoenberg, Amon Button, Steven Hopkins, Peter McPartlin, Sean Elder, Sean Whitacre, Jon Mark Fabiano, Ian Televik, Joshua Mele, Gian Caputo, Garret Kellenberger, Timothy Sovay, Steven McAfoose, Kevin Tidgewell, Jesse Patterson, Jeff Schwartz, Chris Loudos, Lyle Tomlinson, Sami Atayan, Kurt Zimmerman, Tom Christian, Dustan Beitey, Chris McGnie, Tri C. Nuguyen, Kirk Lamitie, Todd Samuel Parker, , Alexandra Adi, Casey Affleck, Jennifer Austin, Travis Barker, Ingrid K. Behrens, Mark-Eugene Garcia, Jim Henry, Crystal the Monkey, Melissa Noble, Jami Philbrick, Marilyn Staley, Tara Subkoff, Chris Weitz
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  • I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of [hesitates] masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it "stroking the salam", yeah, you know, "pounding the old pud". [pause] I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day.

    Eugene Levy - Jim's Dad
  • “- Chris 'Oz' Ostreicher: All you got to do is to ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit.
    - Steve Stifler: I dunno, man, that... sounds like a lot of work!”

    Chris Klein - Chris 'Oz' Ostreicher
    Seann William Scott - Steve Stifler
    [Tag:questions, women]
  • “- Jim's Dad: It's like banging a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. It can be fun, but it's not a game.
    - Jim Levenstein: Right.
    - Jim's Dad: It's not a game.
    - Jim Levenstein: No.
    - Jim's Dad: What you want is a partner to return the ball.”

    Eugene Levy - Jim's Dad
    Jason Biggs - Jim Levenstein
  • “- Jim Levenstein: Did you see 'The Little Mermaid' on TV yesterday? Ariel, she's so hot!
    - Chris 'Oz' Ostreicher: She's a mermaid dude.
    - Jim Levenstein: Yeah, but not when she's on land, Oz.”

    Jason Biggs - Jim Levenstein
    Chris Klein - Chris 'Oz' Ostreicher
    [Tag:mermaids, movie]
  • “No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused! From now on, we fight for every man out there who isn't getting laid when he should be! This is our day! This is our time! And, by God, we're not gonna let history condemn us to celibacy! We will make a stand! We will succeed! We will get laid!”
    Thomas Ian Nicholas - Kevin Myers
    [Tag:sex, speech]
  • “We're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us.”
    Jason Biggs - Jim Levenstein
    [Tag:sex, university]
  • “- Stifler's Mom: I got some scotch.
    - Finch: Single malt?
    - Stifler's Mom: Aged eighteen years. The way I like it.”

    Jennifer Coolidge - Stifler's Mom
  • “- Jim Levenstein: Guys guys guys, here's an easy one, okay: 'Attractive single white female, fun-loving, youthful mind seeks outgoing companion. Okay; Attractive: ugly.
    - Chris 'Oz' Ostreicher: Fun loving: insane.
    - Kevin Myers: Okay, 'unlisted age' plus 'youthful mind' equals 'Old'.
    - Jim Levenstein: No, no no no, 'charming' is old; 'older' is...” (continue)
    (continue reading)
    Jason Biggs - Jim Levenstein
    Chris Klein - Chris 'Oz' Ostreicher
    Thomas Ian Nicholas - Kevin Myers
    [Tag:meaning, women, words]
  • “- Jessica: You've never had an orgasm? Not even manually?
    - Victoria 'Vicky' Lathum: I've never tried it.
    - Jessica: You've never double-clicked your mouse?”

    Natasha Lyonne - Jessica
    Tara Reid - Victoria 'Vicky' Lathum
  • “- John, 'MILF' Guy #2: [while looking at a picture of Stifler's mom] Dude that chick's a MILF!
    - Justin, 'MILF' Guy #1: What to hell is that?
    - John, 'MILF' Guy #2: M-I-L-F: Mom I'd Like to Fuck!
    - Justin, 'MILF' Guy #1: Yeah dude! Yeah!”

    John Cho - John, 'MILF' Guy #2
    Justin Isfeld - Justin, 'MILF' Guy #1
    [Tag:mother, picture, sex]
  • “I would like to make an announcement. There is a gorgeous woman masturbating on my bed.”
    Jason Biggs - Jim Levenstein
  • - Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Like warm apple pie.
    - Jim Levenstein: Yeah?
    - Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah.
    - Jim Levenstein: Apple pie, huh?
    - Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Uh huh.
    - Jim Levenstein: McDonald's or homemade?

    Chris Klein - Chris 'Oz' Ostreicher
    Jason Biggs - Jim Levenstein
    [Tag:food, sex]
  • “- Steve Stifler: Fuck me! There's gonna be an Eastern European chick naked in your house and you're not going to do anything about it?
    - Jim Levenstein: What am I supposed to do Stifler, broadcast her over the internet?
    - Steve Stifler: Yeah!”

    Seann William Scott - Steve Stifler
    Jason Biggs - Jim Levenstein
    [Tag:girl, internet]
  • “- Victoria 'Vicky' Lathum: I want it to be the right time, the right place...
    - Jessica: It's not a space shuttle launch, it's sex.”

    Tara Reid - Victoria 'Vicky' Lathum
    Natasha Lyonne - Jessica
  • “- Victoria 'Vicky' Lathum: Maybe the words aren't that important. It's like, I know he really cares about me, you know even if he can't say if he does. And yeah, he always talks about sex, but that's ok cause he's a guy, right?
    - Jessica: He's got a dick, he's a guy.
    - Victoria 'Vicky' Lathum: Right.”

    Tara Reid - Victoria 'Vicky' Lathum
    Natasha Lyonne - Jessica
    [Tag:love, men]
  • - Chris 'Oz' Ostreicher: Friends call me "Nova" as in Casanova.
    - College Girl: That's pathetic!
    - Chris 'Oz' Ostreicher: Jeez you don't have to laugh at me.

    Chris Klein - Chris 'Oz' Ostreicher
    Tara Subkoff - College Girl
  • “- Paul Finch: So, ah, would you object if I said you were quite striking?
    - Stifler's Mom: Mister Finch, are you trying to seduce me?
    - Paul Finch: Yes ma'am, I am.”

    Eddie Kaye Thomas - Paul Finch
    Jennifer Coolidge - Stifler's Mom