“A Christmas Story” quotes

Movie A Christmas Story
Title A Christmas Story
Year 1983
Director Bob Clark
Genre Comedy, Family
Plot – Ralphie Parker is an American nine-year-old boy. When Christmas approaches, he begins to think about the gifts he would like to receive, as all his peers do. His biggest dream is to own a Red Ryder automatic rifle, equiped of 200 shots. Both the mother and the teacher don't agree with his choice because they judge the toy too dangerous. At school and at home, Ralphie often has forbidden dreams about the rifle and he has fun with his friends and with his younger brother Randy. His mother is quite tender and supportive with her two little children, while his father, on the contrary, is a foulmouthed bungler. He has always to deal with the crumbling boiler of his house, with the crazy car and with the neighbors' dogs, that apparently get mad only with him. Christmas is around the corner and everything is getting ready in Ralphie's house: the decisive morning arrives, everyone unwraps their packages and, among the more or less appreciated or ridiculous gifts, Ralphie finally opens the surprise gift from his father just to find out that it is the long-awaited rifle. Our hero gets injured and breaks his glasses while trying it. Anyway, he manages to avoid the inevitable scolding by making up a funny story.
All actors – Melinda Dillon, Darren McGavin, Peter Billingsley, Scott Schwartz, Jean Shepherd, Ian Petrella, Tedde Moore, R.D. Robb, Zack Ward, Yano Anaya, Jeff Gillen, Colin Fox
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  • - The Old Man Parker: Aaah! "Fra-gee-leh!". It must be Italian!
    - Mother Parker: Uh, I think that says fragile, honey.
    - The Old Man Parker: Huh? Oh, yeah.

    Darren McGavin - The Old Man Parker
    Melinda Dillon - Mother Parker
  • “We plunged into the cornucopia quivering with desire and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice.”

    Jean Shepherd - Ralphie as an Adult
  • “He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master.”

    Jean Shepherd - Ralphie as an Adult
  • “- Ralphie: [giving his teacher a fruit basket instead of just an apple] I thought you might like something different.
    - Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Yes, clearly, a little bribe never hurts.”

    Peter Billingsley - Ralphie
    Jean Shepherd - Ralphie as an Adult
  • “- The Old Man Parker: Get the glue.
    - Mother Parker: We're out of glue.
    - The Old Man Parker: You used up all the glue on purpose!”

    Darren McGavin - The Old Man Parker
    Melinda Dillon - Mother Parker
  • “- The Old Man Parker: Don't you touch that! You were always jealous of this lamp.
    - Mother Parker: Jealous of a plastic...
    - The Old Man Parker: Jealous! Jealous because I won.
    - Mother Parker: That's ridiculous. Jealous. Jealous of what? That is... the ugliest lamp I have ever seen in my entire life!”

    Darren McGavin - The Old Man Parker
    Melinda Dillon - Mother Parker
  • “- The Old Man Parker: Four minutes. Time me.
    - Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Actually the Old Man loved it. He had always pictured himself in the pits of the Indianapolis Speedway in the 500. My old man's spare tires were actually only tires in the academicsense. They were round, they had once been made of rubber.”

    Darren McGavin - The Old Man Parker
    Jean Shepherd - Ralphie as an Adult
    [Tag:cars, dreams, time]
  • “Life is like that. Sometimes, at the height of our revelries, when our joy is at its zenith, when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us.”
    Jean Shepherd - Ralphie as an Adult
  • “- The Old Man Parker: What is the name of the Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?
    - Mother Parker: Ah... Victor! His name is Victor.
    - The Old Man Parker: How the hell did you know that?
    - Mother Parker: Everybody knows that!”

    Darren McGavin - The Old Man Parker
    Melinda Dillon - Mother Parker
  • “- Miss Shields: I'm sure that the guilt you feel is far worse than any punishment you might receive. Now, don't you feel terrible? Don't you feel remorse for what you have done? Well, that's all I'm going to say about poor Flick.
    - Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Adults loved to say things like that but kids knew better. We knew darn well it...” (continue)
    (continue reading)
    Tedde Moore - Miss Shields
  • “- Ralphie: I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!
    - Mother Parker: No, you'll shoot your eye out.”

    Peter Billingsley - Ralphie
    Melinda Dillon - Mother Parker
    [Tag:eyes, game, wound]
  • “Every family has a kid who won't eat. My kid brother had not eaten voluntarily in over three years!”
    Jean Shepherd - Ralphie as an Adult
    [Tag:eating, family, years]
  • “[to her son]
    Show me how the piggies eat. Be a good boy. Showmommy how the piggies eat.
    [he plunges face into mashed potatoes, oinks, eats, and laughs]
    Mommy's little piggie!”

    Melinda Dillon - Mother Parker
    [Tag:animals, eating]
  • “Christmas was on its way. Lovely, glorious, beautiful Christmas, upon which the entire kidyear revolved.”
    Jean Shepherd - Ralphie as an Adult
  • “- Randy: Meatloaf, smeatloaf, double-beatloaf. I hate meatloaf.
    - The Old Man Parker: All right, I'll get that kid to eat. Where's my screwdriver and my plumber's helper? I'll open up his mouth and I'll shove it in.”

    Ian Petrella - Randy
    Darren McGavin - The Old Man Parker
    [Tag:eating, food, tools]
  • - Schwartz: I double-dog-dare ya!
    - Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Now it was serious. A double-dog-dare. What else was there but a "triple dare you"? And then, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog-dare.

    R.D. Robb - Schwartz
    Jean Shepherd - Ralphie as an Adult
  • I didn't say "fudge". I said the word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!
    Jean Shepherd - Ralphie as an Adult
    [Tag:swearing, words]
  • “Ralphie, you're lucky it didn't cut your eye! Those icicles have been known to kill people.”
    Melinda Dillon - Mother Parker
    [Tag:food, killing, luck]
  • Oh! The theme I've been waiting for all my life. Listen to this sentence: "a Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the stock, and this thing which tells time". Poetry. Sheer poetry, Ralph! An A+!

    Tedde Moore - Miss Shields