“Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels” quotes

Movie Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Guy Ritchie directed this movie in 1998
Title Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Year 1998
Director Guy Ritchie
Genre Crime, Thriller
Plot – Four proletarian guys from London, Eddy, Bacon, Tom and Soap, raise 100.000 pounds to play poker with Hatchet Harry, a ruthless gangster who rules in the East End of the city. The illusion is brief: Eddy soon loses everything and he gets into a huge debt. From this moment onwards, revenge triggers: Eddy is chased by Big Chris, the debt collector who breaks creditors’ fingers. Even the bar of Eddy’s dad is attacked. The man, in fact, is the only one who can beat the boss at poker. The four guys think about an extreme solution to cancel the debt, that is to rob some professional thieves.
All actors – Jason Flemyng, Dexter Fletcher, Nick Moran, Jason Statham, Steven Mackintosh, Nicholas Rowe, Nick Marcq, Charles Forbes, Vinnie Jones, Lenny McLean, Peter McNicholl, P.H. Moriarty, Frank Harper, Steve Sweeney, Huggy Leaver, Ronnie Fox, Tony McMahon, Stephen Marcus, Vas Blackwood, Sting, Jake Abraham, Rob Brydon, Stephen Callender-Ferrier, Steve Collins, Elwin 'Chopper' David, Vera Day, Jimmy Flint, Alan Ford, Sid Golder, Alex Hall, John Houchin, Derek Howard, Danny John-Jules, Bal Jusar, Tim Maurice-Jones, Victor McGuire, Mark Mooney, Suzy Ratner, David Reid, Graham Stevens, James Tarbuck, Andrew Tiernan, Richard Vanstone, Matthew Vaughn
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  • “- Gary: Shotguns? What, like guns that fire shot?
    - Barry the Baptist: Oh, you must be the brains of the operation. Yes, guns that fire shot.”

    Victor McGuire - Gary
    Lenny McLean - Barry the Baptist
  • “- Dean: Whoa, whoa Kenny! What are you doing?
    - Gary: I am trying to find out where they keep their money!
    - Dean: You twat! Can't you see these people have got no money? They can't even afford new furniture! We've got the guns, whats the matter with you? Everytime we do a job, you have to go burning people's feet, whats wrong with you?”

    Jake Abraham - Dean
    Victor McGuire - Gary
    [Tag:feet, pain, theft]
  • “- Tom: Look, it's all completely chicken soup.
    - Nick the Greek: It's what?
    - Tom: It's kosher. As Christmas.
    - Nick the Greek: The Jews don't celebrate Christmas, Tom.”

    Jason Flemyng - Tom
    Stephen Marcus - Nick The Greek
    [Tag:christmas, food, jews]
  • “- Soap: You mean to tell me that the only thing connecting us with the murders is in the back of your car which is parked outside?
    - Tom: They cost me 700 quid. I'm not just going to throw them away. They're hardly likely to trace 'em back to us, now are they?
    - Soap: You really think it's worth taking the risk for 700 pounds? Tom, you're a dick.”

    Dexter Fletcher - Soap
    Jason Flemyng - Tom
    [Tag:murder, risk]
  • “- Hatchet Harry: You must be Eddie, J.D.'s son.
    - Eddy: Yeah. You must be Harry. Sorry, didn't know your father.
    - Hatchet Harry: Never mind son, you just might meet him if you carry on like that.”

    P.H. Moriarty - Hatchet Harry
    Nick Moran - Eddy
    [Tag:father, threat]
  • “- JD: So, you in the clear? More importantly, am I?
    - Eddy: It appears so.
    - JD: Appears? You'd have to do better than fucking appears, my friend.
    - Eddy: Well everybody's dead, Dad. I think that's about as clear as it can get.”

    Sting - JD
    Nick Moran - Eddy
    [Tag:death, trouble]
  • “- Soap: Little bit of pain never hurt anybody. If you know what I mean. Also, I think knives are a good idea. Big, fuck-off shiny ones. Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile. Knives are good, because they don't make any noise, and the less noise they make, the more likely we are to use them. Shit 'em right up. Makes it look like we're...” (continue)(continue reading)
    Dexter Fletcher - Soap
    Jason Flemyng - Tom
    Daniel Greenberg - Bacon
    [Tag:fear, past, weapons]
  • “- Soap: I'd take a pain in the arse for half a million quid.
    - Tom: You'd take a pain in the arse for air miles.
    - Soap: Tom, the fatter you get, the sadder you get.
    - Eddy: Will you two stop flirting for a minute?”

    Dexter Fletcher - Soap
    Jason Flemyng - Tom
    Nick Moran - Eddy
    [Tag:money, pain]
  • “If the milk turns out to be sour, I ain't the kinda pussy to drink it.”
    Vas Blackwood - Rory Breaker
  • “- Bacon: We've hit the jackpot, lads! We've got God-knows-how-much of this stinkingweed, a shitload of cash... and a traffic warden.
    - Tom: What?
    [Bacon holds up an unconscious man]
    - Tom: Jesus, Ed, we've got a traffic warden!”

    Daniel Greenberg - Bacon
    Jason Flemyng - Tom
    [Tag:drugs, money, police]
  • “- Winston: What is that?
    - Willie: That's Gloria.
    - Winston: Yes I know that's Gloria, what's that?
    - Willie: Fertilizer.
    - Winston: You went out six hours ago to buy a money counter and you come back with a semi-conscious Gloria and a bag of fertilizer.”

    Steven Mackintosh - Winston
    Charles Forbes - Willie
  • “All right, son: roll them guns up, count the money, and put your seat belt on.”

    Vinnie Jones - Big Chris
  • “There's no money, there's no weed. It's all been replaced by a pile of corpses.”

    Jason Flemyng - Tom
    [Tag:drugs, money, murder]
  • - Rory Breaker: Your stupidity must be your one saving grace.
    - Nick the Greek: Uh?
    - Rory Breaker: Don't "uh" me Greek boy! How is it that your fucking stupid soon-to-be-dead friends thought they might be able to steal my cannabis and then sell it back to me? Is this a declaration of war? Is this some white cunt's joke that black cunts don't get?

    Vas Blackwood - Rory Breaker
    Stephen Marcus - Nick the Greek
  • “Anyone like jewelry? Look at that one there. Handmade in Italy, hand-stolen in Stepney. It's as long as my arm. I wish it was as long as something else. Don't think because these boxes are sealed up, they're empty. The only man who sells empty boxes is the undertaker, and by the look of some of you lot today, I'd make more money with me...” (continue)(continue reading)

    Daniel Greenberg - Bacon
    [Tag:jewels, theft]
  • “We grow copious amounts of ganja, yah? And you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer. You don't look like your average horti-fucking-culturalist!”
    Steven Mackintosh - Winston
    [Tag:appearance, drugs]
  • “- Big Chris: I understand if this has come as a bit of a shock. But let me tell you how this can be resolved by you, a good father.
    - JD: Go on.
    - Big Chris: He likes your bar.
    - JD: Yes?
    - Big Chris: He wants your bar.
    - JD: And?
    - Big Chris: Do you want me to draw you a picture?”

    Vinnie Jones - Big Chris
    Sting - JD
    [Tag:debt, solutions]
  • “- Eddy: They're armed.
    - Soap: What was that? Armed? What do you mean armed? Armed with what?
    - Eddy: Err, bad breath, colorful language, feather duster... what do you think they're gonna be armed with? Guns, you tit!”

    Nick Moran - Eddy
    Dexter Fletcher - Soap
  • “Once there was this geezer called Smithy Robinson, who worked for Harry. It was rumoured that he was on the take. Harry's invited Smithy round for an explanation. Smithy didn't do a very good job. Within a minute, Harry's lost his rag, reached out for the nearest thing at hand, which happened to be a 15 inch black rubber cock. He's then...” (continue)(continue reading)

    Jason Flemyng - Tom
    [Tag:anger, debt, money]
  • “- Rory Breaker: What did you shoot him with, an air rifle?
    - Winston: Look, we grow weed. We're not mercenaries.”

    Vas Blackwood - Rory Breaker
    Steven Mackintosh - Winston
    [Tag:drugs, weapons]
  • “- Bacon: What's that?
    - Samoan Jon: It's a cocktail. You asked for a cocktail.
    - Bacon: No. I asked you to give me a refreshing drink. I wasn't expecting a fucking rainforest! You could fall in love with an orangutan in that!”

    Daniel Greenberg - Bacon
    David Reid - Samoan Jo
  • “- Eddy: The entire British empire was built on cups of tea...
    - Bacon: Yeah, and look what happened to that.
    - Eddy: And if you think I'm going to war without one, mate, you're mistaken.”

    Nick Moran - Eddy
    Daniel Greenberg - Bacon
    [Tag:england, tea]
  • “- J: I've a strong suspicion we should have been rocket scientists, or Nobel Peace Prize winners or something.
    - Charles: Peace Prize? Oh. Be lucky to find your penis for a piss, the amount you keep smoking.”

    Nicholas Rowe - J
    Nick Marcq - Charles