“- Yellowbeard: How many men have you killed so far?
- Dan: One. Two, I think.
- Yellowbeard: You think? You'll never kill anyone if you go around thinkin'.”
Plot – At the end of the 17th century in England, former pirate of the Caribbean Sea Yellowbeard manages to escape from His Majesty's prison. The pirate wants to retrieve a treasure whose map was tattooed on his son's head before being destroyed. Only now the son is a twenty-year-old bold young man and too many people are interested in the treasure.
All actors – Graham Chapman, Peter Boyle, Cheech Marin, Tommy Chong, Peter Cook, Marty Feldman, Martin Hewitt, Michael Hordern, Eric Idle, Madeline Kahn, James Mason, John Cleeseshow all
“Yellowbeard” Quotes 28 quotes
- Harvey "Blind" Pew: It sounded as though there was a bit of a squabble.
- Moon: Squabble? They're all dead!
- Harvey "Blind" Pew: Oh! Must have been more of a tiff then.
“She couldn't be your mother. No woman ever slept with me and lived.”
“- Harvey 'Blind' Pew: I may be blind, but I have acute earing.
- Commander Clement: I'm not interested in your jewellery, cloth eyes.”
“Dying's the easy way out. You won't catch me dying. They'll have to kill me before I die!”
“- Betty: It's been awhile since we had a little cuddle.
- Yellowbeard: I raped ya, if that's what you mean.
- Betty: Okay. It was half-cuddle, half-rape.”
“- Yellowbeard: I'm sure I killed the last one I raped, it can't have been you.
- Betty: Well, the afterplay was a bit on the rough side but not fatal, dear.”
“- Yellowbeard: Dan, if you're my son, prove it. Kill this stupid old bugger!
- Lord Lambourn: Hold your horses...
- Dan: I can't kill him! He brought me up! Just like a father.
- Yellowbeard: Oh, you mean he's beat ya and kicked ya and smashed ya in the teeth?”
“- Betty: When little Dan was two minutes old I tattooed it on his head.
- Yellowbeard: Does he know about this?
- Betty: Oh, no no no, that's why I kept him in the cupboard for three years. That may be why he's a bit odd with all these books, and reading, and stuff like that.”
“- Dan: If you cut my head off it'll start to putrify!
- Yellowbeard: Do what?
- Dan: Putrify, go rotten!
- Yellowbeard: Yeah, it would ooze a lot, heads do. But I could live with that.”
“- Dan: He's been kind and gentle.
- Yellowbeard: What kind of a father is that? Kill him!”
“- Commander Clement: What happened?
- Betty: Plague!
- Commander Clement: Plague?
- Betty: All sudden like! Lucky I was out.
- Commander Clement: That man's got a sword in him!
- Betty: He fell on it.”
“- Dan: I haven't raped her!
- Yellowbeard: No, you wouldn't have you poncy little git! You're not the prawn of my loins, your mother's a bloody liar! That's what I liked about her!”
“- Betty: It's about your father.
- Dan: What about him?
- Betty: When I said he was dead, I was only trying to cushion the blow.”
“- Triola: What's happened to Daddy?
- Yellowbeard: I killed him!
- Dan: He's gone to heaven.
- Triola: Aw, that's nice! He sent all his friends there.”
“- Dan: Father! We thought you were dead.
- Yellowbeard: Us Yellowbeards are never more dangerous than when we're dead.”
“If there's one thing I've learned, it's learning things never taught me nothin'. And books is the worst.”
“- El Nebuloso: Who is it more important to please: the King of Spain, or God?
- El Segundo: Why, God, of course.
- El Nebuloso: And who is God's personal representative in these parts?
- El Segundo: Why, you, your holy ruthlessness.
- El Nebuloso: Well, God wants to keep all of it.”
“- Gilbert: Where did you hide the treasure, exactly?
- Yellowbeard: You won't catch me with those trick questions.”