Jackie Gleason quotes
“The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.”
“- Bandit: You chasin' somebody Sheriff? Somebody chasin' you?
- Sheriff Buford T. Justice of Portague County: Nobody's chasin' me, boy!”
“You're pretty strong for a little lady and you have a lot of hair on your lip. We don't like our waitresses to have hairy lips. So I'll tell you what, shave. Oh, and after you shave, you're fired.”
“Your best friend is your dick.”
“Thin people are beautiful, but fat people are adorable.”
“If you have it and you know you have it, then you have it. If you have it and don't know you have it, you don't have it. If you don't have it but you think you have it, then you have it.”
“Our dreams are firsthand creations, rather than residues of waking life.”
“- Buford T. Justice: As you can see, Bandit, I've got my piece in my hand.
- 'Bandit': You've got your what in your hand?”
“If you ever embarrass me like that again I'm gonna get an ax, and you're never gonna have to open your fly again.”
“No one else can do what I can do. In any medium. That's what I call talent.”
“- Junior: I won't be your little tick turd anymore?
- Buford T. Justice: Son, you'll always be my tick turd.”
“He's dumb, but a loveable shit.”
“- Junior: Did you ever join the Klan, Daddy?
- Buford T. Justice: No chance. But your momma did. When she put on her sheet, she looked like an iceberg with feet.”
“- Little Enos: I'd like to kick your ass.
- Buford T. Justice: You can't kick that high, cricket crotch.”
“I've said it before and I'll say it again. There is no way, no way that you could come from my loins. Soon as we get home, I'm gonna put a lump on your mama's head.”
“- Girl at Picnic: What's wrong, Sheriff?
- Buford T. Justice: I haven't seen anything like that since I was a little baby.”
“Modesty is the artifice of actors, similar to passion in call girls.”
“- Junior: Daddy, I got to pee-pee.
- Buford T. Justice: Swallow it. I'm busy!”
“- Junior: Daddy, I like this place. All the 'gators and snakes and stuff. Why don't we move down here?
- Buford T. Justice: Why don't you move down here?
- Junior: Oh no, Daddy, I ain't never leavin' home, that's a promise.
- Buford T. Justice: Don't you ever, ever threaten yo' daddy like that again!”
“- U.S. Bates: I only get Eric for a week each year.
- Jack Brown: Then you should get better lawyers, you shouldn't have to have him that long.
- U.S. Bates: It just so happens I love him.”
“- Branford: The fact that you are a sheriff is not germane to the situation.
- Sheriff Buford T. Justice of Portague County: The god damn Germans got nothin' to do with it.
- Junior: What did he say?
- Sheriff Buford T. Justice of Portague County: Shut up! One shit at a time!
- Junior: All right.”