“Clerks II” quotes

(2006)
Movie Clerks II
Kevin Patrick Smith directed this movie in 2006
Title Clerks II
Year 2006
Director Kevin Smith
Genre Comedy
Plot – Dante and Randall work at Mooby's, a fast-food chain, but they offend anyone who orders french fries. Soon their lives will change forever as Dante tells he has to leave New Jersey to marry Emma Bunting and Randal organizes a huge stag party that attracts the police's attention, the fire department's and the Association for the animals protection's one too.
All actors – Brian O'Halloran, Jeff Anderson, Jason Mewes, Kevin Smith, Jake Richardson, Ethan Suplee, Rachel Larratt, Shannon Larratt, Jennifer Schwalbach Smith, Ben Affleck, Sarah Ault, Lalida Sujjavasin, Trevor Fehrman, Gail Stanley, Bruce Macintosh, Scott Mosier, Rosario Dawson, Kevin Weisman, Steven Rau, Mike Tsucalas, Jason Lee, Earthquake, Wanda Sykes, Joey Figueroa, Mike Cecconi, Ethan Jensen, Zak Knutson, Harley Quinn Smith, Kevin Michael Richardson, Edward Janda, Byron Stanley, Walter Flanagan, Grace Smith, Anthony Marciona, Aurorah Allain, Carol Conners, Christopher Shazar, Daveione Williams, Jason Beitel, Jason Yribar, Kenny Wormald, Marty Kudelka, Michael Higgins, Nancy O'Meara, Rebecca Lin, Reshma Gajjar, Caroline A. Rice, Bobbie Bates, Bryan Anthony, Carey Ysais, Cheryl Baxter, Desi Jevon, Gordon Hart, Jenna Stewart, Kelly Cooper, Ken Baldwin, Kevin Whitaker, Michelle Elkin, Misha Gabriel Hamilton, Susan Carr George, Tracy Phillips, Jimmy Federico, Katie Malia, Hannah Feldner-Shaw, Joel Manning, Shawn Breathwaite, Ryan Thomas, , Malcolm Ingram, Robin Prough
show all
  • “- Teen #2: Is that a fucking Bible?
    - Jay: Hey hey, the Holy fucking Bible, son.”

    Ethan Suplee - Teen #2
    Jason Mewes - Jay
    [Tag:bible, swearing]
  • “- Randal: Sometimes I get the feeling the world kinda left us behind a long time ago.
    - Dante: You know, you can do something about that.
    - Randal: I told you, I don't wanna jerk off in the bathroom at work!”

    Jeff Anderson - Randal
    Brian O'Halloran - Dante
  • “We were just killing time with those classes! One semester we took Criminology, for Christ's sakes. What the fuck were we training to be, Batmen?”
    Jeff Anderson - Randal
    [Tag:class, crime]
  • “Those fuckin' Hobbit movies were boring as hell. All it was, was a bunch of people walking, three movies of people walking to a fucking volcano.”
    Jeff Anderson - Randal
  • “- Dante: You're talking about Helen Keller.
    - Randal: No I'm not, I'm talking about Anne Frank. She was deaf, dumb and blind.
    - Dante: No she wasn't. Helen Keller was deaf, dumb and blind.”

    Brian O'Halloran - Dante
    Jeff Anderson - Randal
  • - Randal: All right, look, there's only one "Return", okay, and it ain't "of the King", it's "of the Jedi".
    - Hobbit Lover: Oh, Star Wars geek.

    Jeff Anderson - Randal
    Kevin Weisman - Hobbit Lover
    [Tag:movie]
  • “- Elias: You know how every girl's parents put a pussy troll in them when the girls are young, to keep them from having premarital sex?
    - Randal: ...Sure.
    - Elias: Well Myra's is named Pillow Pants. And so even though she totally wants to have sex with me, Myra says if I put my... thing in her, Pillow Pants will bite it off. So, I gotta wait...” (continue)
    (continue reading)
    Trevor Fehrman - Elias
    Jeff Anderson - Randal
  • “- Randal: Emma, are you like this 'cause you have an unnaturally large clit?
    - Emma: You just had to tell him, didn't ya?
    - Dante: It kinda came out one day!
    - Randal: He says it's so big it's almost like a little cock, which says all kinds of weird things about him that I don't even wanna think about.”

    Jeff Anderson - Randal
    Jennifer Schwalbach Smith - Emma
    Brian O'Halloran - Dante
    [Tag:genitalia]
  • - Randal: No I did not just call Mr. Dante a nigger, I simply said that "nigger" is a racial slur towards black people.
    - Dante: So is "porch monkey"!
    - Randal: Oh, it is not! Coon, spook, spade, moolie, jigaboo, nig-nog, those are racial slurs towards black people! "Porch monkey" is not!

    Jeff Anderson - Randal
    Brian O'Halloran - Dante
    [Tag:insult, racism]
  • “- Emma: It must be nice to have a job with so much downtime.
    - Randal: Downtime's important. If I had to deal with all the fucking mouthbreathers non-stop without a break, I'd put my head in the deep-fryer.”

    Jennifer Schwalbach Smith - Emma
    Jeff Anderson - Randal
    [Tag:job]
  • “- Dante: You wouldn't wanna be with a girl with an oversized clit?
    - Randal: No, 'cause the next step is a guy with an undersized dick.”

    Brian O'Halloran - Dante
    Jeff Anderson - Randal
    [Tag:genitalia]
  • “You should read your Bible, sirs. You'll find all types of weird shit in there. Like, did you know Jesus was a Jew?”
    Jason Mewes - Jay
    [Tag:bible, christ, jews]
  • “I got to watch movies, fuck with assholes and hang out with my best friend all day, can you think of a better way to make a living?”
    Jeff Anderson - Randal
    [Tag:friends, living, movie]
  • “- Randal: I know that you're a huge fucking nerd of Potsie-like proportions, and no chicks dig nerds. Especially nerds that are into Lord of the Rings.
    - Elias: Chicks dig Lord of the Rings, Randal.
    - Randal: Yeah. The kind of chicks that are into swords and elves and shit, and I wouldn't fuck them with the torch of Gondor.
    - Elias: Oh, you're...” (continue)
    (continue reading)
    Jeff Anderson - Randal
    Trevor Fehrman - Elias
    [Tag:girl, movie]
  • - Elias: I could get a chick if I wanted.
    - Randal: Who are you kidding? You can't get a chick ya mook, you're too weird and sad.
    - Elias: I turn down chicks left and right.
    - Randal: Your chicks are your "left" and "right".

    Trevor Fehrman - Elias
    Jeff Anderson - Randal
  • “- Dante: Can you feel it?
    - Randal: Feel what?
    - Dante: Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.”

    Brian O'Halloran - Dante
    Jeff Anderson - Randal
    [Tag:day, life]
  • “What's the point in having an Internet connection if you're not using it to look up weird, fucked-up pictures of dirty sex you'll never have yourself?”
    Jeff Anderson - Randal
  • Terrorists?
    [Dante shakes his head]
    I left the coffee pot on again, didn't I?
    [Dante nods]
    Shit! Now where am I gonna bring chicks to fuck when my mom's home?”

    Jeff Anderson - Randal
    [Tag:fire, sex]
  • “You know, sometimes I wish I did a little more with my life instead of hanging out in front of placessellingweed and shit. Like, maybe be an animal doctor. Why not me? I like seals and shit. Or maybe an astronaut. Yeah. Like, be the first motherfucker to see a new galaxy, or find a new alien lifeform... and fuck it. And people'd be like, ...” (continue)(continue reading)
    Jason Mewes - Jay
    [Tag:alien, job, life]
  • “I'm sorry, Jesus!”

    Trevor Fehrman - Elias
  • “- Randal: Seventeen year olds nowadays are crazy. They're up for anything. They even like it when you go ass to mouth.
    - Dante: Oh, my God.
    - Randal: What?
    - Dante: Are you serious?
    - Randal: I don't fuck around when it comes to ass to mouth.
    - Dante: You never go ass to mouth!”

    Jeff Anderson - Randal
    Brian O'Halloran - Dante
    [Tag:sex, teens]
  • “- Randal: I don't wanna jerk off in the Mooby's bathroom! What if a customer comes in and my jerking off gets him all sex nuts and retard strong, and suddenly I'm fighting him off as he tries to jam my dick in his mouth?!
    - Dante: The most likeliest of scenarios.”

    Jeff Anderson - Randal
    Brian O'Halloran - Dante
  • The "Transformers" were a total slight against God. In as much as God sent his only begotten son to die on the cross to redeem mankind and all we did to pay him back was make terrible fucking cartoons, like the "Transformers".
    Jeff Anderson - Randal
    [Tag:god, television]
Highlights