Jeff Anderson quotes
“- Dante Hicks: I'm stuck in this pit, working for less than slavewages. Working on my day off, the goddamn steel shutters are closed, I deal with every backward ass fuck on the planet. I smell like shoe polish. My ex-girlfriend is catatonic after fucking a dead guy. And my present girlfriend has sucked 36 dicks.
- Randal Graves: 37.”
“- Randal: Sometimes I get the feeling the world kinda left us behind a long time ago.
- Dante: You know, you can do something about that.
- Randal: I told you, I don't wanna jerk off in the bathroom at work!”
“We were just killing time with those classes! One semester we took Criminology, for Christ's sakes. What the fuck were we training to be, Batmen?”
“- Dante Hicks: You hate people!
- Randal Graves: But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?”
“- Dante: You're talking about Helen Keller.
- Randal: No I'm not, I'm talking about Anne Frank. She was deaf, dumb and blind.
- Dante: No she wasn't. Helen Keller was deaf, dumb and blind.”
- Randal: All right, look, there's only one "Return", okay, and it ain't "of the King", it's "of the Jedi".
- Hobbit Lover: Oh, Star Wars geek.
“- Elias: You know how every girl's parents put a pussy troll in them when the girls are young, to keep them from having premarital sex?
- Randal: ...Sure.
- Elias: Well Myra's is named Pillow Pants. And so even though she totally wants to have sex with me, Myra says if I put my... thing in her, Pillow Pants will bite it off. So, I gotta wait...” (continue)(continue reading)
“- Randal: Emma, are you like this 'cause you have an unnaturally large clit?
- Emma: You just had to tell him, didn't ya?
- Dante: It kinda came out one day!
- Randal: He says it's so big it's almost like a little cock, which says all kinds of weird things about him that I don't even wanna think about.”
- Randal: No I did not just call Mr. Dante a nigger, I simply said that "nigger" is a racial slur towards black people.
- Dante: So is "porch monkey"!
- Randal: Oh, it is not! Coon, spook, spade, moolie, jigaboo, nig-nog, those are racial slurs towards black people! "Porch monkey" is not!
“- Emma: It must be nice to have a job with so much downtime.
- Randal: Downtime's important. If I had to deal with all the fucking mouthbreathers non-stop without a break, I'd put my head in the deep-fryer.”
“You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulders. Like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Jesus, you overcompensate for having what's basically a monkey's job. You push fucking buttons. Anybody can waltz in here and do our jobs. You... You're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic, so much more...” (continue)(continue reading)
“- Dante: You wouldn't wanna be with a girl with an oversized clit?
- Randal: No, 'cause the next step is a guy with an undersized dick.”
“I got to watch movies, fuck with assholes and hang out with my best friend all day, can you think of a better way to make a living?”
“- Randal: I know that you're a huge fucking nerd of Potsie-like proportions, and no chicks dig nerds. Especially nerds that are into Lord of the Rings.
- Elias: Chicks dig Lord of the Rings, Randal.
- Randal: Yeah. The kind of chicks that are into swords and elves and shit, and I wouldn't fuck them with the torch of Gondor.
- Elias: Oh, you're...” (continue)(continue reading)
“- Dante: Can you feel it?
- Randal: Feel what?
- Dante: Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.”