Simon Callow quotes
“- Vincent Cadby: And my work habits?
- Ace Ventura: Yes, a workaholic; the urine stain on your pants would signify that you're a single shake man, far too busy for the follow-up jiggle.”
- James: It's like he said: Marvelous things will happen.
- Glowworm: Did he say, "Marvelous pigs in satin"?
- Grasshopper: No, dear lady.
“I don't practise any religion but I am deeply interested in the answers that mankind has come up with to explain the human situation.”
“Artists probably should have some impenetrable aspects of themselves.”
“Childhood didn't have a big influence on me, really - in fact I spent most of it plotting how to escape.”
“I've got a new theory about marriage. Two people are in love, they live together, and then suddenly one day, they run out of conversation.”
“I suppose having to do without drugs, she has to do something. Do you think we could get her to start smoking?”
“- A.N. Official: We think we can deal with General Bison. You're instructed to call off the assault. Contact him. Request an extension of his deadline. We are prepared to pay the ransom demand.
- Colonel Guile: Twenty billion dollars? What will prevent him from taking more hostages next month and asking for fifty billion?”
“- George the Boor at The Boatman: If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels but have not love, I am as a sounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
- Gareth: Good point.”
“- Charles: Basically you're saying marriage is just a way of getting out of an embarrassing pause in conversation.
- Gareth: The definitive icebreaker.”
“- Vincent Cadby: Something wrong, Mr. Ventura?
- Ace Ventura: Of course not. This is a lovely room of death.”
“For dinner on my birthday, shall I tell you what I chose?
Hot noodles made from poodles on a slice of garden hose
And a rather smelly jelly made from armadillo's toes
The jelly is delicious, but you have to hold your nose!”
“- Gareth: We had the most delightful girl at our table. Carrie, apparently her fiancé's terribly grand and owns half of Scotland. How about you?
- Charles: I seem to be stuck in the wedding from hell, ghosts of girlfriends past at every turn.”
“- Reverend Beebe: Looking at Italian art! You see, you talk of coincidence and fate. You're naturally drawn to things Italian, as are we and all our friends, aren't we, Freddy? That narrows the field immeasurably.
- George Emerson: It is fate. But call it Italy if it pleases you, Vicar.”
“It'd be a bitter disappointment to me to have you lose the stripes from your tunic only to gain those stripes on your skin.”
A toast before we go into battle. True love. In whatever shape or form it may come. May we all in our dotage be proud to say, "I was adored once too".
“- Grasshopper: No-one is going to squoosh you, old boy. You're six feet long now.
- Earthworm: Bigger targets.”