Investigation quotes

“If you're staring at me, it better be because I'm the suspect. If not, get back to work or I swear you're all demoted to something that involves touching shit with your hands!”

Billy Bob Thornton - Agent Thomas Morgan

“- Danny Witwer: I worked homicide before federal. This is what we call an orgy of evidence. You know how many orgies I had as a homicidecop?
- Fletcher: How many?
- Danny Witwer: None.”
Colin Farrell - Danny Witwer
Neal McDonough - Fletcher

“- Ticket Seller: Something wrong with your eyes?
- Roger Thornhill: Yes, they're sensitive to questions.”

Ned Glass - Ticket Seller
Cary Grant - Roger Thornhill

“Criminals are as unpredictable as head colds. You never know when you're going to catch one.”
Robert Stephens - Sherlock Holmes

“The basis of our job is intelligence. The method interrogation. Conducted in such a way as to ensure we always get an answer. In our situation, humane consideration can only lead to despair and confusion. I'm sure all units will understand and act accordingly. Unfortunately, success doesn't depend only on us.”
Jean Martin - Col. Mathieu

“If you want your picture on the paper, you'll have to go out and kill somebody first.”

Richard Conte - Casey Mayo

“- Sherlock Holmes: Did you discover anything, Watson?
- Dr. Watson: Yes. He's a very suspicious character. He tried to put me off the scent.
- Sherlock Holmes: From the little I heard, he seemed reasonably successful.”
Basil Rathbone - Sherlock Holmes
Nigel Bruce - Dr. Watson

“We're here to investigate a patient that killed three innocentteenagers on Halloween, 1978. He was shot by his own psychiatrist and taken into custody that night, and has spent the last forty years in captivity.”

Jefferson Hall - Aaron Korey

“You know what I'm gonna do? I'm going to catch me the cowboy that's never been caught. Cowboy desperado.”
Bruce Dern - The Detective

“You seem to be taking it pretty good. I've seen 'em come in here, weep and wail like Baptists at a funeral. Like they hired me to prove their husbands weren't fooling around.”

Cedric the Entertainer - Gus Petch

“Gather up all these leaves for trace evidence. Shoot and gut every animal in the park. Their stomachs might include something that could be a clue. Donate the meat to charity. The hides can be turned into warm socks for the poor. Grind up the bones for dog food. I want nothing wasted.”
Richard Crenna - Lieutenant Fergus Falls

“Are we making chemical weapons? Kiddie porn? Are we strip-mining? No! Why are they after me?”
Tim Robbins - Gary Winston

- John Watson: Amazing, Holmes. Simply amazing. Of course, you did forget one very important clue.
- Sherlock Holmes: Please enlighten me.
- John Watson: "Rathe" is "Ehtar" spelled backwards.
- Sherlock Holmes: Very clever, Watson. I'm certain I would have arrived at that conclusion sooner or later.
Alan Cox - Dr. Watson
Nicholas Rowe - Sherlock Holmes

“You know what I do for a living? I get paid to notice stuff. I get paid to know who's lying.”
Harrison Ford - Dutch Van Den Broeck

“Three cops for a councilman's son, but no one for this dead girl.”
Barbara Gehring - Lt. 'Hawk' Hawkins

“- Jack Osborne: There's a sliver of food on your upper lip.
- Arkady Renko: I'm just a plodding investigator, no style. Completely out of my depth. Oh, yes. Three bodies, three people, shot down and mutilated in Gorky Park, and me, I have food on my lip.
- Jack Osborne: Not even caviar at that. I somehow feel that the executioner, whoever he may...” (continue)(continue reading)
Lee Marvin - Jack Osborne
William Hurt - Arkady Renko

“- Gerry Boyle: There were gay lads in the IRA?
- Colum Hennessey: Mmm... one or two. It was the only way we could successfully infiltrate the MI5.”
Brendan Gleeson - Gerry Boyle
Pat Shortt - Colum Hennessey

“- Mayor Johnson: Well, Mr. Holmes. Any theories?
- Sherlock Holmes: Obviously, the victim had been caught in a storm too far from shore to swim for it.
- Mayor Johnson: Yes, and with that heavy suitcase attached to his wrist, and the lake being so deep.
- Sherlock Holmes: Quite. Pulled the poor wretch to the bottom, struggling futilely, flailing...” (continue)(continue reading)
Harold Innocent - Mayor Johnson
Sir Michael Caine - Sherlock Holmes

“- Carl: Do we know if they're sleeping together. Is there proof?
- Laura: I need more time.
- Glen: They're humping too quick to get pictures. Let's get a better detective!”
Ed Begley Jr. - Carl
Khandi Alexander - Laura
Jere Burns - Glen

“- Detective Sapir: That's it, Del. This case is too hard, man. Let's be firemen instead.
- Del - Sean's Dad: I'm glad you're gettin' major laughs outta this, Rich. The problem is two-thousand year-old dead guys do not get up and walk away by themselves.”

Stan Shaw - Detective Sapir
Stephen Macht - Del - Sean's Dad

“- Simone Legree: That's so obvious, he's bound to think it's a trap...
- Philippe Douvier: Yes, or it's so obvious that he's bound to think it can't be a trap.
- Cato Fong: It's so obvious, it's bound to be a trap.
- Clouseau: That is why you'll never be a great detective, Cato. It's so obvious that it could not possibly be a trap.”

Dyan Cannon - Simone Legree
Robert Webber - Philippe Douvier
Burt Kwouk - Cato Fong
Peter Sellers - Clouseau

“What do you want to hear first, I did the Lindbergh kidnapping, or I started the Korean War?”

Kevin O'Connor - Stanley Gusciora

“Laudanum is a derivative of opium. Apart from doctors and addicts, not many would be able to detect it. How long have you been chasing the dragon, Inspector?”
Sir Ian Holm - Sir William Gull

“My name is H.G. Wells. I came here in a time machine of my own construction. I am pursuing Jack the Ripper, who escaped into the future in my machine.”
Malcom McDowell - H.G. Wells

“From bodily fluids and hair samples, we've determined that a bunch of old homeless dudes had an orgy in there.”
Peter R. Thewes - Hazmat Officer