Tom Arnold quotes
“Women. Can't live with 'em. Can't kill 'em!”
“As husband to my grandmother I am my own grandpa!”
“- Lt. Serdman: I'd say you picked the wrong store to rob this time, pal.
- Franklin Laszlo: Excuse me, Lieutenant but I am not robbing this store.
- Lt. Serdman: I suppose that's a bag of donuts you got there right?
- Franklin Laszlo: They don't even serve donuts here, you should know that, you're a cop.”
“- Henry Wayne: Do you like big women?
- T.K. Johnson: I love big women. If you want to feel the heat you got to have the meat.”
“- Kirby: Dad are we really going to New York City?
- Rosco Bigger - Fang: That's why they call them mobile homes, son, 'cause they're mobile.”
“- Rosco Bigger - Fang: Drink your juice yet?
- David Leary: No, why?
- Rosco Bigger - Fang: 'Peed in it.”
“- Rosco Bigger - Fang: I went to the hospital but there was a line so I drove over to the hardware store, got some needle and thread, and sewed it back on.
- David Leary: You sewed on your own thumb?
- Rosco Bigger - Fang: I'm good at stuff like that.”
“What did you expect, Harry? Helen's a flesh and blood woman and you're never there. It was only a matter of time.”
“Your life's in the crapper. So you wife is banging a used car salesman, it's humiliating, I know. But goddamnit, Harry, take it like a man!”
“Kids: 10 seconds of joy, 30 years of misery.”
“- Franklin Laszlo: We could use a nut like you down at the carnival. Ever bite the head off a chicken?
- Mr. Hammerman: Not lately.”
“- Franklin Laszlo: Who farted? Did you cut the cheese, Dan?
- Daniel Miller: For God's sake, no I did not.
- Franklin Laszlo: How about you, Kayla?
- Kayla: Girls don't fart.”
“I'm not a perfect person. I see a buck on the ground, I pick it up. Sometimes I take more than 10 items right through the express lane, and I have a temper, like my neighbor plays his music too loud. So I killed him, I cut him up and I put him in my freezer. I'm just kidding! Just breaking the tension!”
“- Franklin Laszlo: Great tape. This is yours?
- Daniel Miller: Oh yeah, I got everything by the Screaming Idiots.
- Franklin Laszlo: This is the Ramones, actually, I haven't heard the Idiots yet, maybe you can turn me on to them.”
“- Franklin Laszlo: Where are your donuts?
- Todd: Sir, we're a gourmet market.
- Franklin Laszlo: Okay, where are your gourmet donuts?”
“- Joan Stupid: Oh dear I left the garbage out over night.
- Stanley Stupid: Oh no. Someone's stolen our garbage again.”
“- Arnie: I didn't say nothing mister, you must be hearing things. Bye bye, Arnie loves you. Ya penis-head.
- Marty: Now I heard that!
- Arnie: Heard what?
- Marty: I heard what you said!
- Arnie: I didn't say nothing... Ya fat ass pussy.”
“- Gas Station Attendant: Sir, did you know there's a hole in your gas tank.
- Stanley Stupid: That's how you get the gas in there.”
“- Stanley Stupid: The car won't start.
- Buster Stupid: Maybe the battery is dead.
- Joan Stupid: It was perfectly healthy this morning.”
“- Gail Dwyer: Who is that, honey?
- Marty: It's, uh, my mother.
- Gail Dwyer: I thought she was dead!
- Marty: Yeah, I know, it's really weird!”
“- Harry Tasker: Helen... is having an affair!
- Albert Gibson: Welcome to the club, man!”