David Spade quotes
“You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.”
“Maybe I'm just new to this whole rescuing thing, but this, to me, might be considered kind of a step backwards, wouldn't you say?”
“Ugh, I can actually hear you getting fatter.”
“- Kuzco: Okay, I admit it. Maybe I wasn't as nice as I should have been. But, Yzma, do you really want to kill me?
- Yzma: Just think of it as you're being let go, that your life's going in a different direction, that your body's part of a permanent outplacement.
- Kronk: Hey, that's kinda like what he said to you when you got fired.
- Yzma: I...” (continue)(continue reading)
“- Pacha: Someday, you're gonna wind up all alone, and you'll have no one to blame but yourself.
- Kuzko: Thanks for that. I'll log that away.”
“You know who else I don't get? Vin Diesel. I mean, is he good looking? Is he Chinese, or what? I mean, I don't know.”
“I make that same face when I put my cologne on in the morning, especially when I'm home alone.”
“- Joe Dirt: There are three rules when dealin' with a deadly alligator. And yes, they are deadly, don't kid yaself. Rule number one, I'm number one. Ya hear that, I like ta kid around. Rule two, the croc's number two. Now before I begin...
- Kid at Gator Farm: Hey, what's rule three?
- Joe Dirt: What's that? Kid, give me a break now.
- Kid at...” (continue)(continue reading)
“- Richard: Housekeeping, you want towel?
- Tommy: No towels. Need sleepy.
- Richard: Housekeeping, you want mint for pillow?
- Tommy: Please go away let me sleep for the love of God!
- Richard: Housekeeping, you want me jerk you off?
- Tommy: [gets out of bed] What kinda hotel is this?... [opens the door] Oh, it's you.”
“Well I didn't know she was my sister when I kissed her, so it's not my fault. And she's one of the hottest girls on the planet.
[turns to a mirror]
You just said your sister's hot! What a freak! You're goin' to hell man!
[turns away from the mirror]
I gotta tell her what happened, why I got weird. And for god sakes, I gotta treat her like a...” (continue)(continue reading)
“To be famous and broke is hard.”
“- Joe Dirt: You wanna fight? Why don't you stick your head up my butt and fight for air.
- Zeke: That's it. You and me, let's go.
- Joe Dirt: You know I'd love to beat your ass all up and down this place but I gotta go back to work.
- Oil Rig Boss: Joe Dirt, your fired. Here's your week's pay.
- Joe Dirt: Dang.”
“Never date a woman who pays her rent in singles.”
“- Meteor Bert: Well, it ain't a meteor.
- Joe Dirt: Yeah, it is. It came out of the sky.
- Meteor Bert: Well I'm sure it did but it ain't no meteor. It's a big ol' frozen chunk o' shit.
- Joe Dirt: What?
- Meteor Bert: Oh yeah, see them airplanes they dump their toilets 36,000 feet. The stuff freezes and falls to earth. We call 'em Boeing bombs.”
“- Kicking Wing: Good stuff? This is the good stuff, snakes and sparklers.
- Joe Dirt: Are you nuts dude? You need stuff that'll explode. Go boom!
- Kicking Wing: Why is that good?
- Joe Dirt: Well, huh, might as, might as well ask why is a tree good? Why is the sunset good? Why are boobs good? Man, firecrackers, ya stick 'em in mailboxes, you...” (continue)(continue reading)
“I don't wear pants at my house, I'm not wearing them in your house. Sorry.”
“And at that moment I thought I might just lie there and never get up. I would just sit there and rot there, but then I looked up and saw the Moon and got this weird feeling that Brandi was looking up at that same moon.”
“- Pacha: I thought you were a changed man.
- Kuzco: Come on, I had to say something to get you to take me back to the palace.
- Pacha: So all of it was a lie?”
“- Dickie Roberts: You want my autograph too? Dickie Roberts.
- Girl: No, I'm fine.
- Dickie Roberts: How about if I put it on a $5 bill?
- Girl: Make it a 20?”