Jon Lovitz quotes
“I've always loved travel anyway: the open road, the smell of the wind in my face, the flies clogging up my grill.”
“Do I smell the revolting stench of self-esteem?”
“Yeah, I'm just going home, grab a shower and shave, give the wife a little pickle-tickle, and I'm on my way.”
“- Josh: What's this?
- Scotty Brennen: Pay day.
- Josh: [opens up the envelope and looks at his check] A hundred and eighty seven dollars?
- Scotty Brennen: Yeah. They really screw you, don't they?”
“- Principal Evelyn Doyle: I inherited the business from my late husband.
- Richard Clark: I'm shocked!
- Principal Evelyn Doyle: What? That a woman can run a business?
- Richard Clark: No. That you were ever married.”
“I said what a lot of people are thinking and a lot of people have thanked me.”
“- Principal Evelyn Doyle: What is she doing here?
- Richard Clark: She's my bitch! Well... my significant other. We've been slappin' skins for sometime.”
“- Mitch: It was on the kitchen table.
- Glen: Uhhh!
- Mitch: And an hour later we ate on that table!”
“- Glen: Phil, when was the last time you were with a woman?
- Phil: Uh, Saturday... Saturday will be a year.
- Glen: Ow!
- Mitch: Gee, if I had known, I'd have gotten you a cake.”
“- Marvin Shabazz: I'll shove my dick so far up your ass, I'll impale your tonsils.
- Sol: That's a lovely picture.
- Marvin Shabazz: Shut up!
- Sol: Okay.”
“- Thaddeus Clark: Richard, if you do this, you will fail. You... will... fail! And mark my works, you'll come crawling back here with your tail between your legs!
- Richard Clark: You're wrong, father. I'm gonna succeed at Barry High School. And, I have no intention of ever crawling back here with anything between my legs!”
“- Randy Pear: Give it to me. You can't play that.
- Jason Pear: Why not?
- Randy Pear: Because it's Hitler's harmonica. You can't play Hitler's harmonica.
- Jason Pear: You're driving his car!
- Randy Pear: Yes, but I'm not touching it with my mouth. I'm not sucking on the dashboard. I'm not getting his germs!”
“- Cat: I saw you cheating. You played your last hand, Chula.
- T.R. Chula: I don't think so. I have seven more, dog chow!”
“- Mel: Have you even known the joys of having children?
- Richie: Never had a date.
- Clark: Never talked to a girl.”
“- Blanky: Help me! I'm stuck!
- Toaster: I hear him.
- Lampy: I don't see him anywhere.
- The Radio: Maybe he's calling from Blanket Heaven. He's a white, fluffly little angel with a knob-nose.”
“- Richard Clark: Well, Julie I hoped you learned a valuable lesson from this.
- Julie Rubels: Oh, yes. Basically as far as vasectomies go, never use the home kit.”
“I think we should just concentrate on the glasses half full.”