Jon Lovitz quotes
“- Air Conditioner: We've been dumped! Abandoned!
- Blanky: But he loved us.
- The Radio: That's right.
- Air Conditioner: So what? He's a kid. He has a family. They move away, he moves away. It's a packaged deal.”
“- Bill Firpo: I've got a feeling you're not telling me something.
- Dave Firpo: Well this feeling you're getting is paranoia.”
“You think I don't appreciate art? You think I don't understand fashion? You think I'm not hip? You think I'm pathetic? A nerd? A lard-ass fat-so? You think I'm shit? Well, you're wrong, 'cause I'm champagne, and you're shit.”
- Scotty Brennen: See that girl over there in the red? Say "hi" to her and she's yours. She'll have her legs around you so tight you'll be begging for mercy.
- Josh: Well, I'll stay away from her, then.
“- Hattie Anderson: Do you really want to do this?
- Bill Firpo: Do what?
- Hattie Anderson: You know rob the bank.
- Dave Firpo: Absolutely! We have thought this over and we've made a decision!
- Hattie Anderson: But on Christmas Eve, it just doesn't seem right. You're going to ruin the winter fest.”
“- Ernie Capadino: Ow. Doesn't that hurt them?
- Dottie Hinson: Doesn't seem to.
- Ernie Capadino: Well, that would bruise the hell out of me.”
“- Victoria Chapell: Remember, some things are irreplaceable.
- Richard Clark: Irreplaceable? Nothings gonna happen to me.
- Victoria Chapell: I was talking about my car!”
“- The Radio: Things could be worse, you know.
- Lampy: How?
- The Radio: How what?
- Lampy: How could they be worse?
- The Radio: They couldn't; I lied.”
- Ray: "The Brain". That's what the guys used to call me, right?
- Benny: But, Ray! That was sarcastic!
“- Davey: I wonder if that guy ever wiped his ass with the wrong hand?
- Tom Baltezor: Yes.”
“I can't make caviar out of fish eggs!”
“- Blanky: Do we have to stop here?
- Toaster: Only for a while.
- The Radio: Just long enough to lose our minds! We'll be cannibals within a few days, I've seen it happen!
- Kirby: And you'll be the first to go, dial-face.”
I've never been very good with relationships. In fact, most of mine ended with "Hey, what are you doing in bed with that other woman?". And that was me talking!
“- Richard Clark: Isn't it a little early to start drinking?
- Woman: Who stops?”
- Glen: During Prohibition, we ran molasses to Canada. Made a fortune.
- Mitch: "Ran molasses to Canada". You should run some brains to your head.
“- Larry Burrows: Have you ever had any regrets, Clip? You know, about how your life is turned out, about the choices you made.
- Clip Metzler: Oh... no. I figured I didn't make out many choices. You know what my policy is? You do nothing, you see what happens. And you know what, things always are turning up fine.”
“- Ryan Edward Turner: I'd kill myself right now, but I'd probably end up in Hell, and that would be redundant.
- Barry Sherman: Well, at least you'd be among friends.”