Humor quotes173 humor quotes, film quotes, movie lines, taglines
Well, there were these two old boys and they hung their peckers off a bridge to piss. One old boy from California, the other from Arkansas. The old boy from California says "Boy, this water's cold", and the old boy from Arkansas says "Yeah, and it's deep too". Get it?
“- Brian: Should we let it breathe?
- Doug: It hasn't breathed for fifty years, it's dead. Let's just drink it.”
“Let us pretend that we are in the drawingroom and the hostess is serving tea. Now many numerous little questions confront us. Should the man rise when he accepts his cup of tea? May lump sugar be taken with the fingers? No. Is it good form to accept a second cup? Should the napkin be entirely unfolded or should the centre crease be allowed to...” (continue)(continue reading)
“- James Bond: If you're Q, does that make him R?
- R: Ah yes, the legendary 007 wit, or at least half of it.”
“Do you think we should ask her for some garlic bread?”
“- Charlie Arglist: Whose thumb is this?
- Vic Cavanaugh: Oh yeah, Roy. Good news: Charlie brought your thumb.”
“- Merry Noel Blake: You, darling Aunt Liz. After whom my daughter has chosen to craft her formative years. You no doubt find it amusing her little affair with a car thief.
- Liz Hamilton: He stole a car?
- Merry Noel Blake: He's addicted to the practice.
- Merry Noel Blake: Hmmm... maybe he can get me a Mercedes...
- Liz Hamilton: I'm sure Debby...” (continue)(continue reading)
“Enjoyin' the ride? Man, it's a fast car, huh? Man, it's a classic. Old school. American muscle. Man, this car can do all kinda things, man. Wanna see?”
“All I know about walruses is that, out of all mammals, they have the second largest penis. I have the first.”
“I travel light. That's a joke, Mark. You humans - there's just no sense of humor.”
We got one letter from a man who thought that Hauk's comedy was "visionary and interesting”. The other eleven hundred calls say that the man can't do comedy to save his dick!… That's a direct quote, sir.
“- Courtney: I flew accross that bathroom so fast, and you got fucked in the eye. How could you not know what a glory hole is?
- Christina: Well unlike my whore friend Courtney Rockcliff, I don't usually spend much time in men's public bathrooms. You could at least show some compassion.
- Courtney: Ok I'm sorry let's have a look. Well it looks...” (continue)(continue reading)
“- Young Bill Denbrough: Richie, will you please shut up?
- Young Richie Tozier: You know you don't stutter all the time?”
“We may have lost the war, but heaven knows we haven't lost our sense of humor!”
“Now the crooner is becoming the comic!”
“- Crawl: Hey, you'll be happy to know that as soon as you left, I popped your daughter's trunk!
- Walter: Oh, shit.”
“- Gilbert: Bobby, how's business?
- Bobby: Oh, not good... nobody's dying.”