Woody Allen quotes
“Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.”
“The nicest thing about masturbation is afterward, the cuddling time.”
“- Nick: Am I the kind of guy who loses his temper?
- Deborah: Please! You smashed the mime in the jaw!
- Nick: I gave him 100 bucks...”
“- Sam: I had two heart attacks before I got the bicycle.
- Sandy Bates: And since then?
- Sam: I also had two.”
“- Isaac: I got a kid, he's being raised by two women at the moment.
- Mary: I mean I think that works. They made some studies, I read in one of the psychoanalytic quarterlies. You don't need a male, I mean. Two mothers are absolutely fine.
- Isaac: Really? Because I always feel very few people survive one mother.”
“There's nothing wrong with being afraid. We were meant to be afraid. That's why you gotta build a survival kit!”
“I wonder if geniuses have problems with their sex lives.”
“- Nick: I don't know how our marriage lasted.
- Deborah: Mutual death wish.”
“Have you ever dialed 9-1-1? It's like trying to get a mortgage.”
“Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.”
“If it turns out that there is a God I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.”
“- Lenny Weinrib: He's dicking around in agriculture.
- Linda Ash: What's wrong with his dick?”
“- Lenny Weinrib: I'm completely superfluous.
- Kevin: Oh, you don't feel good?”
“I came here to strangle you!”
“- Steffi: Over the years I often wondered what would have happened if we stayed together.
- Joe: That's something we never gonna know. We've managed to produce a fabulous daughter though. She got your looks, fortunately, and my... magic personality.”
“- Tina Vitale: They shot him in the eyes.
- Danny Rose: Oh my God, he's blind?
- Tina Vitale: He's dead...
- Danny Rose: Of course, the bullets would go right through...”
“Never trust a guy who fumbles for the check, you know who wants to get the check, gets it.”
“The question is not, 'How could this happen?' but 'Why doesn't this happen more often?'”
“Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.”
“If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.”