Jonah Hill movie quotes

“- Captain Dickson: Waiter, can a black man get some water?
- Schmidt: Someone get the fucking man some water. He's black, he's been through a lot!”
Ice Cube - Captain Dickson
Jonah Hill - Schmidt

“- Schmidt: Mr. Walters, I should apologize for...
- Mr. Walters: ...for shooting my penis off? Don't sweat it, brother. I'm liberated. Totally. You know they gave me a vagina. It's awesome. You guys wanna see it?”
Jonah Hill - Schmidt
Rob Riggle - Mr. Walters

“- Seth: You dropped your purse, ma'am. Would you like me to help you with your groceries?
- Old Lady: Well that would be lovely young man. Would you like me to buy you alcohol?”

Jonah Hill - Seth
Dona Hardy - Old Lady

“- Donnie Azoff: I got a couple of mil' comin' in like a week. And when it gets in, I'll give you a call and you come pick it up.
- Brad: You'll give me a call?
- Donnie Azoff: When it gets here, I'll give you a call and you'll come pick it up.
- Chantalle: Well, we don't work for you, man!
- Donnie Azoff: Sweetheart, you have my money taped to...” (continue)(continue reading)
Jonah Hill - Donnie Azoff
Jon Bernthal - Brad
Katarina Cas - Chantalle

“People are overlooked for a variety of biased reasons and perceived flaws. Age, appearance, personality.”
Jonah Hill - Peter Brand

“- Matthew the Waiter: Okay, so just one. Here's your wine list, your menu, come on. You want, like, a magazine or something? It's gonna be boring if you're just sitting by yourself.
- Peter Bretter: No, I'll be alright. Thank you.
- Matthew the Waiter: I would just be so depressed.”

Jonah Hill - Matthew the Waiter
Jason Segel - Peter Bretter

“Professionally, I feel like I won the lottery and I am the luckiest person in the entire world.”
Jonah Hill

“I have never been star-struck by an actor once in my entire life.”
Jonah Hill

“I'm an actor, I'm not a comedian, I never was a comedian.”
Jonah Hill

“- Jordan Belfort: It's like a non-alcoholic beer. It's got no... no alcohol.
- Donnie Azoff: It's a beer?
- Jordan Belfort: Yeah, with no alcohol.
- Donnie Azoff: But, you drink enough and... you drink a lot and it'll get you fucked up?
- Jordan Belfort: No, there's no alcohol. That's the fuckin' point.
- Donnie Azoff: I'm not a scientist; I...” (continue)(continue reading)
Leonardo DiCaprio - Jordan Belfort
Jonah Hill - Donnie Azoff

“Well I would love to sell you some weed, Jeremy, but I'm at my fucking job right now. Obviously, because you called me at work, you know that I'm at my place of work, so I can't just leave here and sell you some weed. I can sell you some weed when I'm done.”

Jonah Hill - Matthew the Waiter

“People who run ball clubs, they think in terms of buying players. Your goal shouldn't be to buy players, your goal should be to buy wins. And in order to buy wins, you need to buy runs.”

Jonah Hill - Peter Brand

“- Jordan Belfort: People say shit... I mean like, you married your cousin or some stupid shit.
- Donnie Azoff: Yeah, my wife is my cousin or whatever, but it's not like what you think.
- Jordan Belfort: Is she like, a first cousin?
- Donnie Azoff: Her father is the brother of my mom.”
Leonardo DiCaprio - Jordan Belfort
Jonah Hill - Donnie Azoff

“- Donnie Azoff: How's being sober?
- Jordan Belfort: It fuckin' sucks.
- Donnie Azoff: Boring, right?
- Jordan Belfort: So boring. I'm gonna kill myself.”
Jonah Hill - Donnie Azoff
Leonardo DiCaprio - Jordan Belfort

“- Peter Gaulke: I should've never hired you!
- Cooker: That's the most un-American thing I've ever heard in my life!”
Steve Zahn - Peter Gaulke
Jonah Hill - Cooker

“- Jules: You scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours.
- Seth: Well Jules, the funny thing about my back is that it's located on my cock.”
Emma Stone - Jules
Jonah Hill - Seth

“- Seth: Fogell, this ID says that you're 25 years old. Why wouldn't you just put 21, man?
- Fogell: Seth, Seth, Seth. Listen up, ass-face: every day, hundreds of kids go into the liquor store with fake IDs, and every single one says they're 21. How many 21 year olds do you think there are in this town? It's called fucking strategy, all right?”
Jonah Hill - Seth
Christopher Mintz-Plasse - Fogell

“He is the sweetest guy. Have you ever looked into his eyes? It was like the first time I heard the Beatles.”
Jonah Hill - Seth

“Momma's making a pube salad, and she wants some Seth's own dressing.”
Jonah Hill - Seth

- Barry: Hey Dante! My girlfriend and I caught you on the news the other night.
- Dante: No shit? And by “girlfriend" do you mean that piece of rabbit fur you rub on your dick every night?
- Barry: [laughing hysterically] Yes.
Jonah Hill - Barry
Peter Dante - Dante

“- Martin: Do you ever get so bored, you just stare at your balls?
- Jonah: I bet you do, late John Lennon.”
Martin Starr - Martin
Jonah Hill - Jonah

“Look, we all know home-ec is a joke, no offense, it's just that everyone takes this class to get an A, and it's bullshit, and I'm sorry. I'm not putting down your profession, but it's just the way I feel.”

Jonah Hill - Seth

- Seth: Gimme that. All right, you look like a future pedophile in this picture, number 1. Number 2: it doesn't even have a first name, it just says "McLovin"!
- Evan: What? One name? One name? Who are you? Seal?

Jonah Hill - Seth
Michael Cera - Evan

“- Whitaker: Hey, wait a minute. These are the fish that ate Dick, right?
- Peter Gaulke, Cooker: Yeah!
- Whitaker: Alright, so go with me here. If Dick is in the fishes, and we're eating the fishes, doesn't that mean we're eating Dick?”
Kevin Heffernan - Whitaker
Steve Zahn - Peter Gaulke
Jonah Hill - Cooker

“- Seth: Hey Greg, why don't you go piss your pants?
- Greg the Soccer Player: That was like 8 years ago, asshole!
- Seth: People don't forget!”
Jonah Hill - Seth
Dave Franco - Greg the Soccer Player