Ed O'Neill quotes
“- Mike Hammersmith: What's that cheerleader doing with a helmet on?
- Kevin O'Shea: That's no cheerleader, that's my niece Becky. She's pissed.”
“The minute they got rid of rotary phones, everything went to hell.”
“Manny thinks his dad is like Superman. The truth? He’s a total flake. In fact, the only way he’s like Superman… is that they both landed in this country illegally.”
“- Ford Fairlane: Disco Express? They blew, dog. And that lead singer, he kinda looked like...
- Lt. Amos: Like me, right?
- Ford Fairlane: Yeah. I was gonna say he looked like shit, but... he looked like you.”
“Some day you're gonna get in a situation where you can't call for help. You'll have to depend on yourself, and you'll let yourself down. I'm not calling because I don't want your mother to think we can't make it home on our own. Call it male pride. Good, old fashioned, pig-headed, working-class, pre-fax machine/car phone, masculine pride. No...” (continue)(continue reading)
“- Brannigan: You think you got problems? I gotta to take my wife and kids on vacation. I've got a plane to catch in 3 hours.
- Dooley: Plane? You said plane?
- Brannigan: But I ain't gonna catch the plane because I gotta wait here for the SWAT team.
- Dooley: Can I have the dog if I get you on the plane? You're airborne, you're airborne!
-...” (continue)(continue reading)
“It's an interesting setup, Mr. Ross. It is the oldest confidence game on the books. The Spanish Prisoner. Fellow says him and his sister, wealthy refugees, left a fortune in the home country. He got out, girl and the money stuck in Spain. Here is her most beautiful portrait. And he needsmoney to get her and the fortune out. Man who supplies the...” (continue)(continue reading)
“Put a fork in them they're done, baby.”
“- Brannigan: There he is, the best nose on the force. He could stick that snout in the wind right now and lead you to a stash in the middle of Tijuana.
- Dooley: Listen, I gotta be up front with you. I got a real bad feeling about this dog.
- Brannigan: Hey, tough shit. That's all I got. Not I want you to take care.
- Dooley: Don't worry about...” (continue)(continue reading)
“- Kevin O'Shea: Peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Are you nuts?
- Rudy Zolteck: It's still good!
- Kevin O'Shea: You'll never get anywhere treating your helmet like a lunchbox son. What is that?
- Butz: Cheetos.
- Kevin O'Shea: Crunchy or puffed?
- Butz: Puffed.
- Kevin O'Shea: Wimp [Butz confiscates the food and walks off]!
- Rudy Zolteck: My...” (continue)(continue reading)
“- Rudy Zolteck: How'd I do, coach?
- Kevin O'Shea: I don't know son. I don't have a sundial.”
“Nothing burps better than bacon. Your water looked tasty.”
“- Becky O'Shea: Do you think I'm pretty?
- Kevin: No, you're beautiful.”
“- Davy: Know what I'd like to do?
- Glen, Mikita's Manager: Yeah I know what you'd like to do. You'd like to find the guy who did it, rip his still beating heart out of his chest and hold it in front of his face so he can see how black it is before he dies.
- Davy: Actually, I was thinking of filing a grievance with the union.
- Glen, Mikita's...” (continue)(continue reading)
“Excuse me, I understand what you were saying to Natalie was personal. Well, I'm involved with her now so this is personal too; you hurt her and I'll hit you so fucking hard your dog will bleed, okay?”
“I don't care for caviar, I make it a policy never to eat something a fish deposits in a riverbed.”
So Wayne, I hear you're putting on some kind of concert. That's good. People need to be entertained, they need the distraction. I wish to God that someone would be able to block out the voices in my head for five minutes, the voices that scream, over and over again: "Why do they come to me to die? Why do they come to me to die?"
“You can't beat a Ford for good brakes!”
“I may not look like I could finance a trip to the zoo but the truth is I make a pretty good living. My income is a damn lot more than your father gives your mother to live on. But my money doesn't matter in your neighborhood, because I work for it. Working for your money doesn't matter in your neck of the woods, it's whose crotch the doctor...” (continue)(continue reading)
“- Dutch Dooley: Doyle, switch cots with me, mine won't hold me.
- Doyle Standish : How do you know it'll hold me?
- Dutch Dooley: Because I'm 15,000 cheeseburgers ahead of you in life.”
“- Dutch Dooley: You got anything to say? Me, I like to talk. I love to talk. Live to talk. You got any amusing anecdotes?
- Doyle Standish: I'm living through one right now.”