Steve Martin quotes
“- Harris K. Telemacher: So, I'll see you Sunday?
- Trudi: I got a shower Sunday.
- Harris K. Telemacher: Oh yeah, and I really should take a bath... Monday?”
“- Terry Hoskins: Roger, what's wrong?
- Roger Cobb: What?
- Terry Hoskins: Don't I excite you?
- Roger Cobb: Edwina, what are you doing?
- Edwina Cutwater: I'm thinking of very old nuns.”
“- Dixie: It's a riddle. What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?
- C.D. Bales: I don't know.
- Dixie: A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush.
- C.D. Bales: What's the point?
- Dixie: The point is that sometimes the answer is so obvious, you don't even realize it. It's as plain as the nose on your face.”
- Car Rental Agent: May I see your rental agreement?
- Neal Page: I threw it away.
- Car Rental Agent: Oh boy.
- Neal Page: "Oh boy", what?
- Car Rental Agent: You're fucked!
“When I arrived in Carlotta, I thought of the words Marlowe had said to me over fifteen years ago: Dead men don't wear plaid. Huh. Dead men don't wear plaid. I still don't know what it means.”
You now have a Swiss bank account if anybody asks. Crédit Nationale Du Génève code name "Paddy". Lavish awkward gesture. All of fifteen Swiss Francs in it, but if you ever want to impress anybody, they can find out you have a Swiss account. But, Swiss law prohibits the bank from revealing the balance. Thus are all men made equal.
“- Dr. Necessiter: As you know, my research has advanced to a point where I can put her mind into the body of a gorilla.
- Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: I couldn't fuck a gorilla.”
“This is never going to heal!”
“Ladies and gentlemen, I can envision a day when the brains of brilliant men can be kept alive in the bodies of dumb people.”
“- Sara McDowel: What did you have in mind?
- Harris K. Telemacher: Well, I was thinking of taking you on a cultural tour of L.A.
- Sara McDowel: That's the first fifteen minutes, then what?”
“- C.D. Bales: It's hypnotic, isn't it?
- Chris: It's huge! It's enormous! It's gigantic! I mean, they said it was big, but I didn't expect it to be big!”
“Her lips were warm, and my arm wasn't the only thing that was throbbing. Our hearts were, too. My plan was to kiss her with every lip on my face... then slowly move her to the next room, maneuver her next to the bed... marry her, and start the whoopee machine. My plan was working fine until... Agh! She stuck her finger in my bullet hole!”
“- Peggy Schuyler: Roger, you go to court tomorrow, we're through.
- Roger Cobb: If I don't, your father will have my balls.
- Peggy Schuyler: Then it's either me or your balls. You can't have both.”
“- Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: When did your wife leave?
- Barney Coopersmith: October.
- Vincent 'Vinnie' Antoneli: That's when my wife left! What is it about the month of October?
- Barney Coopersmith: I dunno. The pressure of Halloween? You never know what to go as!”
“- Rigby Reardon: I'm working on an important case. It's dangerous, and you'll probably be killed. But if you love me, you'll do it.
- Jimmi-Sue Altfeld: Yes, I do love you.
- Rigby Reardon: And I love you. And I mean that more than anything I've ever said in my life.”
“- Roger Cobb: You'll have to do it.
- Edwina Cutwater: Do what?
- Roger Cobb: You know, take it out.
- Edwina Cutwater: Take what out?
- Roger Cobb: The little fireman.
- Edwina Cutwater: The little fireman?
- Roger Cobb: You know, my penis.”
“It is better to be truthful and good than to not.”
“I'm tired of having a magnificient, fabulous, interesting nose. I want a cute little, petite, little button nose.”
“- Car Rental Agent: [cheerfully] Welcome to Marathon, may I help you?
- Neal Page: Yes.
- Car Rental Agent: How may I help you?
- Neal Page: You can start by wiping that fucking dumb-ass smile off your rosey, fucking, cheeks! And you can give me a fucking automobile: a fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick! Four...” (continue)(continue reading)
- George Banks: I have a great idea where we can have this lovely, not small, but not too big wedding.
- Nina Banks: You do? Where?
- George Banks: At our favorite restaurant. The place we've been eating at for fifteen years. The best. The Steak Pit!
- Annie Banks: Dad, get serious.
- Matty Banks: I don't think you want the word "Pit" on a... (continue)(continue reading)